Chronic apologizing is often a preemptive defense against shame.

There's a real difference between healthy shame and toxic shame.

Notice the urge to apologize and ask yourself whether you did anything wrong.

If we learned anything from the COVID-19 pandemic, it was that Zoom calls would, for most people, replace live face-to-face meetings. With it came an implied list of virtual rules the likes of which would make Emily Post blush. Chief among them was beginning every question with a polite recognition that began with the phrase, “Apologies if you covered this already, but I’m curious to know…” It was as if SARS-CoV-2 had brought with it a co-infection of polite etiquette.

But apologizing constantly—especially when you haven’t done anything wrong—isn’t politeness. It’s shame in disguise. When shame tells you that you are the problem, apologizing becomes a preemptive defense. You say “I’m sorry” before anyone can accuse you. It feels like humility, but it's actually self-erasure.

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