Most of what you’ll read online about the impact of divorce or splitting up on kids summarizes the child’s behavior and mood, but it doesn’t explain what actually is going on inside the child’s mind. This post takes a deep dive into how young kids experience parental breakup and—more importantly—how they can form unhealthy, harmful narratives about themselves and others.

We look at the four most common emotional effects of divorce or splitting up on kids and the damaging narratives that frequently form. While this may sound worrisome, there is plenty that parents can do to stop these narratives from taking hold.

While they haven’t been able to prevent their parents’ splitting up, they may hope they can reunite their parents, a common fantasy that many kids have. But here, too, they aren’t successful, driving home the reality that they are powerless and small.

Additionally, they control very little: They don’t get to choose who they stay with and when. Their schedules change, sometimes they change schools, they often now have two homes, etc. None of this is what they want, and they’re helpless to do anything about it.

Possible narratives: Some kids give up, telling themselves, “I will never have control over anything.” They become passive, believing that their wishes aren’t important. They may feel not only impotent and powerless but also anxious to make demands and have them rejected. These kids appear passive and without desires.

Other kids take the opposite approach and fight back, telling themselves, “To avoid feeling helpless or small, I must control everything.” With these kids, everything becomes a battle. Parents find themselves arguing with their child about which glass they’ll drink out of or which shirt........

© Psychology Today