In my practice, this is a sticking point that comes up again and again when working with neurodiverse couples. Two people recollect the same experience — a dinner, a spat, a vacation — with radically different points of view.

The neurotypical (NT) wife might say, “You didn’t even think to ask me what I wanted for dinner.”

The husband on the autism spectrum (ASD) responds, “What? I thought I did and you said, ‘Get me a salad,’ so that’s what I did!”

The NT wife insists, “I didn’t want a salad, I wanted a soup tonight. It’s so cold, something warm would have been nice.”

Does this exchange sound familiar to you? Is the husband telling the truth or is his wife? Or did she say actually "soup" and he heard "salad"? For both of them, this confusing situation can feel intentional, “crazy making”—like being in “the twilight zone.” Even if the wife might feel used to the idea that this type of thing happens often, she might still feel invalidated and betrayed. The husband on the other hand might feel that his wife is out to get him, sabotaging his efforts towards pleasing her.

Why Does This Happen?
These types of exchanges are a reflection of the ASD-NT brain differences, especially how autistic and NT brains understand the elements of what’s happening around them and encode the memories related to the particular incident.

The NT wife might see that all the people around them, save their ASD husband, perceive events very much in the way that they do. But when it comes to their........

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