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Telling kids directly what's going on when there's bad news can protect them from fear, anxiety, and stress.

Reassuring kids about the actual risk can minimize their worrying when something bad happens.

Focusing on how your family can cope and who is helping can help kids remain positive.

Talking directly to kids about what's happening in the world is the best approach during tough times.

These days it can feel like the amount of bad news and tragedies in the world is overwhelming. As adults, we have different strategies for coping, but it can be tricky figuring out how to talk to little ones about bad things that happen, whether it’s the death of a close relation or scary things happening around the world. Kids are often curious and pick up bits of things they overhear. When kids ask direct questions, it can be confusing for caregivers to know what and how much to share. It often feels like a balancing act between giving information and not causing fear, stress, or anxiety in children and adolescents. Fortunately, we have some guidelines about what to do in these moments.

We all know the adage “honesty is the best policy.” It holds up here too. Kids deserve an honest answer. Honesty avoids confusion, misunderstanding, and later distress if they learn they were deceived. Caregivers may be tempted to censor the truth to protect kids, but being honest in an age-appropriate way is always best. For very young children, this is simply stating the facts: “Uncle Charlie died. We won’t see him again.” Or “There’s a war happening. That’s why your friend Sutton’s dad is away. He’s a soldier protecting our country.” Keep the language simple and straightforward. Do not give a lot of detail. Whether it’s a pet or a human, never describe death as sleep. This creates sleep fears in children and is untrue.

For older children and adolescents, keep it simple and then respond to follow-up questions. It’s important to let your child’s curiosity lead the conversation. When you do so, you don’t risk oversharing information that they did not want to know and you can tailor responses to what they are actually wondering about. You can do this by saying, “that’s a good question. I wonder why you’re asking?” Then listen to their answer. They may want clarification, reassurance, or additional information. The key is to keep it concrete and clear without sharing too much.

If you have a kid who keeps asking for more information, you can re-query why they want to know. You can also set a limit by saying, “I’ve shared a bunch of information already. I can hear that you’re curious. Let’s take a break talking about this for now, and we can talk more about it at another time.” This can help adults regroup and be thoughtful about what and how much they want to share, but also how they want to talk about the topic.

2. Reassure appropriately

Most of us do not know that we’ll never get cancer or never get into a fatal car accident. Promising kids that bad things won’t happen is not good for kids. It’s false and creates an expectation that is not realistic. However, parents can and should reassure honestly based on the facts of the situation. Honest reassurance sounds like, “It’s very sad that Lily’s mommy got sick and died. Luckily, I am very healthy right now. You don’t have to worry about me being sick.” Or, “We have smoke detectors in our house that we regularly check to make sure they are working. Even if a fire started, the smoke detectors would let us know so that we could get to safety.”

Watch out for over reassuring. As a clinical psychologist, I daily encounter children and adults who want certainty around safety. Often this type of certainty is impossible. Giving a false sense of certainty, can exacerbate rather and reduce anxiety or fear. Instead, offer an honest answer about safety (or lack thereof) and follow with an emphasis on coping or what you and your family is doing to stay as safe as possible. For example, “I can’t be sure none of us will ever get struck by lightning, but this is why we always get out of the pool or go inside whenever a storm starts. We want to be as safe as possible.”

3. Limit access to news and media in all formats (photos, video, written, audio)

After the fall of the Twin Towers in NYC in 2001, research found that children around the country who repeatedly saw images of footage from 9/11 had higher levels of PTSD. Although the adults in the homes knew it was a single incident, children did not have that information and their fear spiked from repeatedly seeing the towers fall. Children, especially very young ones, should not view media coverage, especially graphic images or video. It’s not realistic to shield adolescents from media coverage, but it is helpful for caregivers to view media coverage with teens. This allows families to have conversations about what teens view, how they feel, and what questions may come up for them.

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4. Normalize and validate emotions, but don’t overshare your own feelings

Hearing that a caregiver is “devastated” or “terrified” can be scarier for a child than their own emotional experience to a bad thing happening. Caregivers should listen to what a child is feeling about a tragic event before sharing their own emotional response. If caregivers connect to their child’s emotion, they can make that connection when validating the child. It sounds like “I totally get it that you’re sad that Ms. Shannon died. I’m sad too. It’s upsetting when someone we care about is no longer alive.”

5. When possible, focus on the positive

If someone you know gets into a bike accident, you can say, “we can’t totally prevent accidents. But that’s why we wear our helmets. Helmets are good at protecting our heads if an accident happens.” If someone you know dies of a disease, you can say, “We go to the doctor every year to get checked and make sure our bodies are working well and are healthy. When we get sick, we do what we need to do to get healthy again.” A lot of the time kids don’t realize that it’s less common for kids to die from things adults die from. So letting them know that “most kids don’t have heart attacks” or “some kids get cancer, but it’s rare when it happens and there are excellent cancer hospitals for kids to get treatment.” You can even remind kids things like “bad things can happen, but if something is happening you should call 9-1-1 to get help right away. We have police, fire people and other helpers in our community who come to the rescue and keep us safe.”

When bad things are going on in the world around them, kids often pick up on it. This can result in fear, confusion, sadness, and tension. Young children may not know how to verbalize these feelings. Older kids may think that they aren't supposed to know or ask. Assuming that kids have no idea about what's happening — especially if parents are having feelings about the event(s) — is not a good approach. If you're not sure what your kids know, ask. You can take it from there. Talking directly to kids to let them know something is up, and reassuring them about the real risk to them and your family, can often provide much needed relief, support and connection during tough times. Families build resilience when they cope and get through the difficult aspects of life together.

Duarte CS, Wu P, Cheung A, Mandell DJ, Fan B, Wicks J, Musa GJ, Hoven CW. Media use by children and adolescents from New York City 6 months after the WTC attack. J Trauma Stress. 2011 Oct;24(5):553-6. doi: 10.1002/jts.20687. Epub 2011 Aug 31. PMID: 21882251.

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