“I really didn’t plan on it. But I’ve just become so close with a woman at work. We’ve been seeing each other for three months now.”

“I’ve felt so invisible in my relationship with my wife. With Cassandra, I feel heard and even admired.”

“It started with our having a coffee after working out at the gym. I know he’s married and I’m not sure where this is going or what I want. I do know that I’m just so frustrated with my husband.”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard from clients surrounding their infidelity. Some were very conscious in their decision. Others describe a more passive stance in their reports that “It just happened”.

Infidelity—best described as any type of secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates exclusivity as it's defined in a committed relationship—occurs quite often in adult life. A recent study examining almost 95,000 online responses found that about 20 percent of married men and 13 percent of married women reported cheating on their spouses (Fisher, 2023).

Infidelity may be motivated by a variety of factors, including dissatisfaction, neglect, anger, and sexual desire. I’ve often observed in my clinical work that anger plays a major role, often as a reaction to dissatisfaction, neglect, and sexual problems.

Regardless of the motivations behind it, infidelity can lead to destructive consequences for the relationship and one’s partner. It can lead to divorce or separation as well as to a partner’s depression and reduced self-esteem. A study of 160 cultures found that spousal infidelity is the most common reason for a breakup (Grontvedt Kennair & Bedixen, 2020).

One study of 757 participants (in a Greek population) found 94 reactions to infidelity, with the most probable being negative emotions, terminating the relationship, keeping physical distance from the unfaithful partner, and attempting to get more information about the incident (Apostolou, Constantinou & Zalaf, 2022). It was also found that women were more likely to endorse a “verbally abuse her/him” reaction, while men scored higher on the “physically abuse her/him" reaction.

Infidelity driven by anger, like much of anger, is driven by underlying........

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