The Fundamentals of Sex

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Taking touch and giving touch look identical from the outside. Your partner feels the difference internally.

When a man wasn't touched enough as a child, that scarcity comes back as taking in adult relationships.

Most men confuse sensuality with sexuality because, growing up, sex was the only touch channel they had.

When your partner can say No freely, their Yes finally means something. Their No is what makes their Yes real.

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli

Galit has been telling me she doesn't enjoy the way I touch her for a good part of our 16 years together. I heard it. I nodded. I said, "sure, sure." I tried to be more sensitive, but I kept touching the way I wanted to. It was easier to treat it as playful banter than as real feedback. The truth is I wasn't ready to face what it meant.

A few weeks ago, the penny finally dropped. She said it again, but this time it landed differently. She wasn't criticizing my love. She was telling me that the way I reach for her doesn't feel like I'm connecting to her.

So I gave myself a challenge: For 30 days, I would touch her only the way she wanted to be touched. Not the way I wanted. The way she wanted.

It sounds simple. It was extremely difficult.

Betty Martin developed the Wheel of Consent, a model that maps touch along two axes: who the touch is for, and who is doing it. Giving is touch you offer for your partner's benefit. Taking is touch you initiate for yourself, for your own comfort or pleasure. They can look........

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