Someone you love says, “I want to kill myself,” and you want to help. What can you do? And what should you say?

Hearing that a loved one wants to die by suicide can feel jarring. As a psychologist who specializes in suicide prevention, I’ve seen this first-hand. I’ve been in the room with dozens of patients who, for the first time, share these thoughts with a loved one—be they a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member.

The disclosure event is a good sign. Preventing suicide is much more likely when people can openly and honestly talk about their experiences. We cannot address a problem if we never know it exists.

Unfortunately, research shows that many people conceal their suicidal thoughts to avoid embarrassment, negative judgment, or the fear that it will worry a loved one (Hom et al., 2017). These findings highlight why it is so crucial to be supportive during a disclosure. Of course, this is easier said than done.

In my personal and professional experiences, I’ve witnessed a variety of knee-jerk responses that have caused harm. They might come from a good place, but they might be received as unsupportive or invalidating, making someone less likely to be honest about their suicidal thoughts (Frey et al., 2018). I describe some examples below.

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