I was reflecting on a recent interaction I had in which my daughter asked me, “Are you mad at me?” just because I paused before responding. I wasn’t mad. I was thinking—probably about something unrelated—but she took my silence as a sign of disapproval. Her face dropped, and I could feel her trying to read me, searching for clues about whether she was still okay in my eyes. That moment stuck with me. Not because it was dramatic, but because it was so ordinary. And it made me wonder: How often do our kids start measuring their worth by our expressions, our tone, our pauses?

I want my daughters to grow up confident, to feel a deep sense of value that isn’t dependent on how well they’re doing, how easy they are to be around, or what my reaction is in response to something they did or said. But I’ve seen how quickly they light up from praise—and how easily they deflate without it.

I’ve also seen my own reactions: the impulse to cheerlead them out of a meltdown, to soften my voice when I set a boundary, to avoid saying no too directly in case it feels like rejection. On the surface, I’m trying to be kind. But underneath, I sometimes wonder whether I’m unintentionally teaching them that connection depends on how they behave.

It’s easy to forget that babies don’t start out performing to be loved. They cry, need to eat, wake us in the night, have dirty diapers—and we soothe, feed, clean, comfort, and love them anyway. In these actions, their bodies absorb a simple message: You matter just because you exist. But over time, that message can begin to........

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