Why does going back to your ex feel so natural, even when you know nothing will change?

Have you noticed that in your relationships, you keep meeting different people who somehow feel familiar? They may have different personalities, yet something core is always the same. One might be controlling, another emotionally immature. And every time you enter a new relationship, it feels better, but not entirely different.

Have you noticed that?

Life does not move in a circle; it moves in a spiral, meaning experiences and challenges repeat, but never in the exact same way (Hesse, 1997).

Relationships work the same way. If ten years ago you were with someone emotionally or physically abusive, the next partner may appear better on the surface, not abusive but more supportive. The same core issue might show up in a different form. Not necessarily because something is wrong with them, but because the unresolved issue has shifted inward, into what you accept and normalize.

It is important to note, that this does not mean we “attract the same people.”
It means unresolved patterns repeat until something in us responds differently.

At some point, blaming the other person stops being helpful.

People can act however they want until someone makes it clear where their line is. And if that line is crossed and nothing changes, then it is time to respond differently.

Are boundaries something you tell someone else to do?

Boundaries are internal decisions about (1) what behavior you stay emotionally present for; (2) what you step away from; (3) and what you do when something does not change.

In simple words, a boundary is not what you say, it is what you do next.

Anne Katherine (1993) writes: “We learn about boundaries by the way we are treated as children. Then we teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us.”

So, boundaries are not formed once. They are learned and repeated over time.

In my relationship with my mom, I felt the same........

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