Former 11-day White House icon promises to measure his next tenure as Trump Press Secretary using a stopwatch, a calendar and an air-fryer.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference held outside a Long Island deli while eating a prosciutto-and-capicola with sweet peppers sub with both hands, former White House Communications Director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci announced today that he is actively considering a triumphant return to the West Wing brief podium as the new Trump Press Secretary.

Citing what he described as “a severe lack of flair, panache, and Sicilian hand gestures” in current administration communications, Scaramucci made his case to reporters while wearing a blue suit, a blonde wig, a DD-brassiere and enough hair gel to coat a transatlantic aircraft carrier.

“Look, folks, I watched Katie up there at the podium,” Scaramucci said, taking a massive bite of his sandwich and wiping a drop of balsamic vinegar from his chin. “God bless her, she’s enthusiastic, but she’s playing checkers while the press corps is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. She proved one fundamental truth about the White House Briefing Room: there’s no place to go but up. I mean, the bar isn’t just on the floor; it’s currently buried next to a septic tank in Arlington.”

Scaramucci, whose legendary 2017 tenure as White House Communications Director lasted roughly 11 days—or 0.99 Scaramuccis in modern SI standard unit measurement—insists that time and perspective have made him the only man capable of taming the Washington press pack.

“People talk about my 11 days like it was a short time,” Scaramucci reflected, gesturing wildly with a half-eaten cannoli. “In Mooch Time, 11 days is a full geological epoch. I lived three lifetimes in those 264 hours. I disrupted the media landscape, I fired three people who didn’t even work in my department, and I managed to leak my own firing to the press before I even knew I was fired. That’s efficiency, baby. That’s Wall Street agility.”

The Fish Rots From the Head Down (And Other Wall Street Metaphors)

When asked how he plans to navigate the notorious internal sabotage and backstabbing that plagued his previous stint in government, Scaramucci offered a characteristically blunt assessment of political hierarchy.

“Listen, everybody knows the classic phrase: the fish rots from the head down,” Scaramucci declared, pointing a finger directly at the ceiling. “Now, I’m not calling anyone a fish. I love fish. Chilean sea bass, branzino, calamari—fantastic. But when you’ve got a White House operation where the top guy is throwing metaphoric fish heads into the executive air conditioning vents every Tuesday, you’ve got to expect a little smell. My job as Trump Press Secretary wouldn’t be to deny the smell. My job would be to sell the smell as an artisan cologne called Eau de Disruption.”

Scaramucci went on to explain his proposed strategy for managing volatile news cycles, which........

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