3 Of The Most Painfully Common Fights Parents Have With Teens, According To Experts

Fights? Between parents and teenagers? Groundbreaking.

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Parent-teenager friction is a rite of passage that everyone experiences at some point. Not only is it common, but according to several experts who spoke with HuffPost, it’s also developmentally appropriate.

As they emerge from childhood, teens push boundaries while simultaneously exploring their newfound freedom. At the same time, parents are desperately trying to ensure not only their kids’ safety, but their success as independent adults.

“At the heart of almost every argument between parents and teens is autonomy and agency,” licensed marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie, the owner and founder of Take Root Therapy, told HuffPost. “Teens are trying to figure out who they are, and that process naturally involves pushing for more independence.”

Parents, on the other hand, “are focused on protection and long-term safety of their kids,” licensed marriage and family therapist Cristina Pasini Billingsley, told HuffPost, “particularly when emotional maturity may not yet align with chronological age.”

It shouldn’t come as a shock that this parent-teen conflict usually arises around the following three topics: screen time, homework/grades and chores.

But Harouni Lurie acknowledged that the source of the fight usually doesn’t matter: “What is really happening underneath is a teen saying, ‘I need more space to become myself,’ and a parent saying, ‘I still need to keep you safe.’ Both things are completely valid, and that is exactly what makes it so hard,” she said.

So what do you do when it feels like every day is a battle between you and your teenager?

JJ Kelly, a licensed clinical psychologist known as the “Punk Rock Doc,” advised getting ahead of fights with a parenting contract that families can keep in plain sight on their refrigerator. This document, along with several other practical strategies, can help prevent disagreements from deteriorating into full-on blow-ups.

“When expectations around chores, grades and screen time are written down, agreed upon, and posted on the fridge before a fight ever starts, you’ve already done most of the work,” said Kelly of the parenting contract strategy, offering this free, therapy-informed resource on her website. “There’s nothing to debate. There’s nothing to negotiate in the heat of the moment. You just refer back to what was already decided, together, calmly.”

This contract, along with the following advice from our experts, can be implemented when discussing these painfully common fights parents have with their teens.

1. Screen time (phone use, tablet use, etc.)

Screen time is the root of many parent-teenager conflicts because both sides have valid arguments. Parents are concerned about their teens’ safety and mental health, while teenagers rely on their screens to stay connected to their social world.

Not to........

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