The mental load is often carried by women. But how can you deal when resentment builds up?

A mother has opened up about the “resentment” she feels towards her husband after doing the bulk share of childcare, domestic work, and carrying the mental load for years.

The burnt out parent said on Reddit that for seven years they have been “the only one doing the night wakes, doctors appts, household errands and majority of the cleaning (until about 6 months ago), and anything dealing with school”.

“I am so mentally tired,” they added.

The mum, whose children are all under the age of seven, said in the now-deleted post, “the resentment I have for doing this all alone is eating me alive”.

“I cannot look at my husband the same anymore. I don’t love him the same anymore. All the dirty work with raising kids is done, because of me,” she said.

For women in heterosexual relationships, the invisible load is real – one study found mums take on 71% of all household mental load tasks. These tasks range from planning meals and arranging activities to managing household finances. In comparison, dads take on 45%.

The impact of this unequal division of tasks, which can often go unnoticed, is not to be underestimated, as co-author and political scientist Dr Ana Catalano Weeks said: “It can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers. In many cases, resentment can build, creating strain between couples.”

How to deal when resentment builds up in a relationship

First of all, your feelings are valid

For anyone experiencing these feelings of resentment over the division of what is often an invisible workload, BACP registered therapist Nicola Ball said: “You are not alone, and what you’re describing is something I hear far more often than people might imagine – especially from mothers in the early, intense years of raising children.”

While it is possible to come back from this place, the therapist said this won’t happen without change.

“Resentment is not a sign that you’ve failed,” she added, “it’s a signal that your needs have gone unmet for too long. It’s the body........

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