The author (left) and a girl writing (right)

Everyparent knows how difficult it can be when their child is struggling to regulate themselves.

But for parents of children with AuDHD – those who are both autistic and have ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) – it can be especially tough to navigate emotional outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere.

In my experience, understanding the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is crucial in knowing how to respond – and how to help.

What’s the difference?

A tantrum is a way of expressing frustration or attempting to get something. It is typically goal-oriented and usually the child has some control over it – for example, if they get what they want, they are usually able to calm down.

A meltdown is not a choice. It’s a neurological response to overwhelm – whether that’s too much sensory input, emotional stress, or cognitive demand.

Meltdowns are associated with the range of intense emotional regulation challenges that can accompany AuDHD. Importantly, meltdowns stem from a loss of control, not a desire to gain it.

An emotional safety plan can help

An emotional safety plan is a proactive, collaborative tool that helps children identify their emotions, recognise their triggers, and explore personalised strategies for managing distress.

It can be as simple as a colourful chart or journal page created together with your child, divided into spaces to note what each emotional state looks and feels like, what might have caused it, and what helped in those moments.

Involving your child in building their plan is key: it not only gives them a sense of ownership, but also helps them reflect on their own needs, feel heard, and develop vital self-awareness skills over time.

This can provide children with the tools to “name it to tame it”, putting words to feelings, to help reduce distress. This can be empowering, in addition to providing a sense of validation and control.

Key emotional states you can map together

Here are some common emotional states your child may experience, and ways you can support them through each one:

Hyper-arousal (meltdowns)

A meltdown is an intense, involuntary reaction to being overwhelmed, often as a result of stress and exhaustion. It may present physically, such as kicking or self-harming; verbally, such as screaming or shouting; and/or emotionally, such as through crying.

Meltdowns are highly individual and situational, with many potential causes, such as sensory overload, changes in routine, loud environments, and an inability to communicate effectively.

Co-regulation is a highly effective........

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