The blood chills, then boils. Veins, bulging under pressure, creep in red tendrils onto the whites of incredulous, irate eyes.

A hand shakes as it holds a quivering phone. The news, shared in horror by The Independent, is simply too much to bear.

What? the target reader is, I think, expected to blast over their boiled eggs. Are these youths – these Gen Z reprobates – really being coached to use PHONES in SCHOOL?!!

“Get a grip!” the headline beseeches (one must assume) the teenagers, some of whom may reportedly be getting support to prepare for the phone call part of clearing.

“What hope have they got in the real world?” the writer despairs.

It will be a relief to cardiologists nationwide, then, to find out that not only are reports of schools implementing phone call lessons quite vague (Jo........

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