Female breadwinners are one of the fastest growing demographics in the UK, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, found Eliza Filby

I am the daughter of a female breadwinner and a stay-at-home dad. Unlike most of my generation, I saw this now rather more common dynamic modelled fairly successfully by my parents. My father was exemplary in elevating my mother’s successes, taking on much of the housework, earning sporadically when he could, while my mother impressively juggled it all – rushing to work, being present at school, coming back home in time for dinner. So why, when I found myself in the same situation, did I struggle so much?

Female breadwinners are now one of the fastest-growing demographics in the US and UK. In Britain, 30 per cent of women out-earn their male partners; in a quarter of households, women are the sole breadwinners. In the US, black female college graduates are the most likely of any female group to be the main earner in their household. The old model of the male breadwinner survives largely in the boardroom; for everyone else, dual-income households are the norm, and female primary earners are increasingly visible.

This is progress. A revolution within three generations. It should be celebrated. And yet, scratch the surface, and many female breadwinners confess to being feminist powerhouses in public but exhausted, resentful and frustrated in private. Women who ace it at work but often still carry the majority of the domestic load. Women who feel guilty for not being at home more with the kids. Women who shrink themselves to keep a partner’s ego intact. The statistics back this up: marriages where women earn more are still more likely to end in infidelity (by men) and divorce – though on the positive side, this link is weakening.

When I put a public call out on social media that I was writing this article, my private inbox flooded. Tellingly, all messages were private DMs indicative of the secrecy, shame and complex emotions that this issue raises in both men and women. Some messages spoke of resentment (“His driving license is the only thing he brings to the marriage.”) Others were despondent (“I’m carrying it all, and he doesn’t see it.”) Some felt empowered (“Unlike my mother, I’m not trapped. I literally hold the purse strings.”) In all this, there was a clear dividing line between those female breadwinners without children, who tended to speak of freedom and power, and those with children, who spoke of overwhelming pressure, financial constraints and guilt. Always the mother’s guilt.

In Melissa........

© City A.M.