So a slew of mean people on the internet have been rudely mocking McDonald's CEO Chris Kempczinski over a video in which he gingerly samples the restaurant chain’s latest offering: the Big Arch burger.

Because I don’t believe rich people should be made fun of or face consequences for their actions, I’m here to defend Mr. Kempczinski and attempt to right this terrible wrong.

If you missed it, the video in question shows the CEO proudly holding a Big Arch in the same way any strong, handsome, wealthy person would hold a thing meant for the poor. The substantial sandwich consists of two quarter-pound beef patties, three slices of white cheddar, pickles, lettuce, crispy onions and a special Big Arch sauce that may or may not be made of people.

McDonald's Big Arch is the best food product you can eat

Kempczinski says, “I love this product,” which is a perfectly normal thing humans say about food that may or may not have been created in a laboratory. He then takes a bite that might have been visible if it were examined under a microscope.

I saw the video and said, “Great job, Chris! I love it, and I’m definitely not saying that because I’d like you to offer me a very high-paying job!”

Why must the internet be so mean to McDonald's CEO?

Sadly, the internet thought differently. People labeled my good friend Kempczinski as inauthentic and possibly incapable of consuming his company’s own food product.

I knew the best way to put these naysayers in their place was to do a Big Arch taste test of my own. Like I always say, “If you’re going to try to get to a wealthy person who deserves to believe he is infallible, you’ll have to get through me first.”

I purchased a Big Arch and prepared to dig in. (You can see a video of my tasting below.)

Big Arch, Big Calories, Big Mystery, Big Digestive Chaos

According to McDonald’s nutritional information, the 1,020-calorie burger in question has 65 grams of total fat and 1,760 mg of sodium, which is about 75% of the recommended daily dose of salt. That seems like a great solution for people like me who want to only eat one thing each day while also dying young.

Channeling my inner-Kempczinski, I gleefully opened the Big Arch box and grabbed hold of the bun-clad meat mammoth. Mmmmmm. It was the best looking 1,020 calories of food product I had ever seen.

Did my tummy gurgle suspiciously at the sight of it? Yes. But I assured my stomach that a rich person told us it was A-OK.

I mirrored the McDonald’s CEO's technique and took what I call “an exterior bite,” catching the sumptuous vapors coming off the Big Arch along with a small scraping of bun crumbs. Yummy.

I then held the burger(s) for a while and pondered how I would definitely eat this product later, and how good it would taste entering my food-product consumption hole.

If McDonald's fantastic CEO hires me, I will eat whatever he wants me to

Off camera, I finished off the Big Arch, as far as you know. Was it legally possible for my body to file attempted gastroenterological homicide charges against me? Yes. Did it instantly shorten my life expectancy? That’s between my cardiologist and me. 

And did it taste good? Out of respect for wealthy corporate executives who are making online content in which they attempt to be relatable to the un-rich, I’m going to say, enthusiastically, yes.

Am I still tasting it hours later? Also yes. Please send an ambulance.

And Mr. Kempczinski, please call me with my job offer. I’ll eat anything on camera if the price is right.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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