I don’t know what that blasphemous little imp’s secret is, but he’s got one. Don’t be fooled by that creepy smile on his creepy face; there’s something wrong with James Talarico. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I don’t ever want to see his browser history, and I’d sooner have somebody from The Lincoln Project babysit my kid. It’s just a vibe, but there are rumors out there, and unfortunately, no one has shared the specifics with me. I don’t know exactly what they are, but we have no moral obligation to default to a presumption of normality regarding Democrat Senate candidates this cycle. After all, we just lived through Der Platnerdämmerung.

Is it related to his gender ambiguity? He’s already famous for apologizing for his white male identity. Well, let’s just say we can be pretty confident that Talarico has never beaten up or assaulted one of the many ex-girlfriends he’s tried to convince us were his girlfriends. This is because, to the extent they actually ever were his girlfriends, they all look like they can kick his butt. And he looks like he might dig that.

Let’s call out the pink donkey in the room. There’s widespread speculation that the guy is in the closet, and anybody who’s lived a few years has known guys in the closet, and well, this dude gives off vibes like he’s in the closet. I don’t know if he’s in the closet. I do know that if he is in the closet, he should have come out and been honest about who he was. If he’s lying about that, what else is he lying about? But if he’s hiding his sexuality, it’s because he doesn’t respect the Texans he wants to vote for him. There are plenty of good reasons to dislike this guy that are going to alienate Texans long before a taste for dude does. After all, Scott Bessent and Ric Grenell are gay, and we hardcore conservatives would be thrilled to vote for either one for president. Lots of Republicans are gay—usually the well-dressed ones. Hell, Trump’s theme song is “YMCA.” Sure, there are going to be some Republicans who just will not vote for anybody gay. That’s their right, but most voters don’t feel that way. If he came out, only a fool would have made that........

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