Just what the hell are the Canadians thinking? Do they think that if they cry enough, America’s going to roll over? We’re now in another trade war with them, and the Canadians are whining, and the Democrats — who never side with America — are whining right along with them. It’s about time to be done with the country that is touted as America’s best buddy but is actually tied for its most annoying next-door neighbor. They cry that America is being mean because it’s looking out for its own interests. How dare America expect Canada to pull its weight on its own defense? How dare America not want to perpetuate unfair and unbalanced tariff and trade rules in perpetuity? And how dare America not recognize the moral superiority of a country that, if it were a stereotype, would be a fugly, sexually dysfunctional wine woman with a “Hate Has No Home Here” sign on the front lawn of the condo it shares with five cats, all named after characters in "Twilight."

Americans don’t think much of Canada — literally. We didn’t have to, because for a long time Canadians were just pleasant, sturdy, and trustworthy neighbors who were different from us but shared enough in common that we managed to share the longest demilitarized border in the world. Canadians don’t want to be Americans, and that’s OK. It’s silly, because everybody should want to be Americans, but it’s all right. We didn’t take offense. We’d have to be thinking about them to take offense, and we weren't. It’s nice to have a neighbor you don’t really have to think about, except when you need to borrow sugar.

But when we did think about them, they used to be kind of amusing. Now they’re actively annoying. And their obsessive loathing of the United States has morphed from a vaguely tiresome affectation into something genuinely grating. They are ripping us off on defense and trade, they are failing to back us up around the world, and they have become a petty dictatorship. They are still funny, but the Ralph Wiggum of nations is longer ha-ha funny.

They thought about us a lot, and you can’t really blame them. We’re economically successful, stubbornly free, and masculine — all the things that Canada either never was or no longer is. Canada has been taken over by the faculty-lounge left. It’s less a country than a giant, freezing college campus where the government will literally destroy your life if you do something like point out obvious truths about how a man is not a woman or that there was a giant scam involving allegedly dead Indian children — oh wait, we’re supposed to call them........

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