‘There’s a flat rat under the mat!’ I shrieked, and wondered whether that was the sort of jaunty phrase that could be used for elocution lessons.

I had lifted this mat by the main staircase to hoover the floor beneath it and there it was, a perfectly flat rat in the shape of a cartoon dead rat beneath this mat.

I began laughing uncontrollably, because if you’ve ever seen a flat rat under a mat you will know that it is intrinsically funny, whatever your views on rats. You will laugh even if you don’t like rodents, of indeed if you like them way too much.

Even if you are a member of the Rat Preservation Society, when you see one flattened paper thin, stuck to your floorboards, I challenge you not to burst out laughing, while jumping up and down.

If you’ve ever seen a flat rat under a mat you will know that it is intrinsically funny

If you’ve ever seen a flat rat under a mat you will know that it is intrinsically funny

I shouted, and shouted, thinking the cleaner and the builder boyfriend would come running. But the BB continued chatting to the cleaner in the kitchen about why he didn’t like the local chip shop as she rinsed the mop bucket out, having mopped the painted black floorboards of the hallway without finding the flat rat under the mat, because the rat was also black, and he vaguely called in my direction; ‘What are you going on about?’

‘There is a flat… rat… under… the mat!’ I said, entering the kitchen to find the pair of them completely ignoring me.

I had come back from a lovely mini-break in Cyprus to find the house not as bad as........

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