The Germans stampeded into the house, overwhelming me with the element of surprise. ‘Incoming!’ I shouted through the main staircase window into the farmyard to alert the builder boyfriend, who was haying the horses. A car was unloading two couples – double the amount of guests I was expecting.

They came at me all at once and piled up the stairs, and I ran behind protesting that there were too many of them. ‘It is no problem! They sleep with us!’ said the woman who had booked, as she and her very tall husband and their two friends crowded into Room 4.

An en suite double, Room 4 is very comfortable and rated five stars, but I doubt you could fit two extra Germans in there. Two extra Chinese maybe.

The BB came running and looked fit to burst. He is only ever a few seconds away from explosion during the height of the season, when we find ourselves fighting a desperate rearguard action against large, ruddy-faced blond travellers intent on buffet stripping and laundry-room invasion.

I took one look at the state of the BB, boiling over in his paint-spattered work jeans like a displaced demonstrator from a Tommy Robinson march and, as much as I wanted him for back-up, decided he presented too great a risk of escalation and sent him away.

‘Leave this to me,’ I growled under my breath and he slunk off muttering some choice stereotypical insults.

Cambridge’s Farah Ahmed: study engineering ‘to produce weaponry........

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