Oh dear. Such a shame to see the US lose at football after their insanely embarrassing president cheated for them. Still, it really brought the world together. The last time this many people cheered on a Belgian resistance, it was 1914 and the Germans had just crossed the Meuse. As you’ll be aware, the US were dumped out of their own World Cup on Monday night by a wholly superior Belgium, after Donald Trump boasted that he’d personally intervened in three phone calls with Fifa president Gianni Infantino to get the red card shown to US striker Folarin Balogun rescinded. Yes, the US cheats at football. Pass it on.

You’ve heard a lot about shithousery during this tournament. We have even, excruciatingly, seen a few American commentators attempt to use the word in conversation. Guys, please, just – no. It’s not for you. You have ’erbs, “a couple things”, and “a ways to go”. But let’s call the events of the past few days by the name they deserve in all the languages of the world: Whitehousery.

Some absolute Whitehousery has been on display and the world certainly has a way (singular) to go before we all forget it. As he made very clear, Trump really wet his Depends over Balogun’s ban, and spent Monday gibbering to the news cameras that he’d acted hideously inappropriately over the weekend by interfering because “I’m good at this stuff”. Righto. It’s somehow especially poignant that Trump genuinely thought he was going in to bat for the national side.........

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