I stood there in shock, staring blankly at the letter. A lawyer was notifying me that my neighbors – as well as anyone they hired – would be on my property the next day to cut some branches from a tree near the property line. It ended with a stern command to lock up my “vicious” dog for the safety of the workers.

I read the letter over and over, alternating between disbelief, anger and sadness. How did we get here?

Tensions had been building for months. My family had a boisterous rescue dog, who was full-grown but often acted like a puppy. We didn’t know much about her history, but it was clear she needed some basic training and socialization. She tried to slip through gates to go exploring, pulled at the leash in excitement to get to other dogs, and never missed an opportunity to beg for food.

She was making great progress, learning to walk on a leash and follow basic obedience commands. But one evening she slipped out the side door and sprinted over to my neighbor’s backyard, smelling their grill. I didn’t know where she had gone, but when I heard a scream, I sprinted too.

Some issues are well-known potential flash points. For couples, there are disputes about money, chores and parenting practices. For siblings, there are disputes about fair treatment when we’re young and disagreements about eldercare and inheritances when we’re older. For neighbors, there are disputes around property lines, shared driveways, trees – and dogs. And now here I was.

My high-octane mutt was leaping around the patio table and barking excitedly while my neighbors huddled together over their steaks. I quickly grabbed her and apologized profusely, explaining that she had slipped out but was very friendly – and was excited for grill night. My neighbors looked doubtful.

In the beginning, I wasn’t concerned. I’m an ethicist and moral psychologist who researches moral conviction and civility, which I treat as a respectful approach toward conflict resolution. I’ve spent my career studying misunderstandings and disagreements. I teach students ways to better navigate differing interpretations, complex conversations, moral dilemmas and bitter disputes.

Civility research matters for ethics education across every discipline, especially fields such as law or medicine where contentious political and moral disagreements are likely to arise. Consider, for instance, the tense conversations between healthcare professionals who disagree about whether the best course of treatment for a patient is to turn to hospice services.

Civility has a role to play in the workplace, too, where people need to navigate disagreements with colleagues and also between potentially conflicting professional and legal obligations, client expectations and ethical beliefs.

And anyone who’s ever been in an argument with their significant other understands how difficult it is to engage with civility and maintain the relationship in the face of what seems to be an egregious wrong. Some people do it well. Others, poorly – which provides job security to couples counselors and ethicists alike.

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to engage with anyone. So the next day after my dog’s unwelcome visit next door, I baked cinnamon rolls and took them over as a peace offering. The husband grudgingly accepted the plate and mentioned that they didn’t like my dog because she always barked at them. I suggested bringing her over with some treats to introduce them; dogs bark at suspicious strangers, not friends with treats. The husband looked doubtful. Three days later, I received a note in the mail, informing me not to bring over any more “baked items.”

Shock of a neighbor’s refusal to engage

As a moral psychologist, I know the processes, methods and techniques for civil dialogue – and I try to practice what I preach.

Classic advice includes simple steps, such as making I statements........

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