Dear City o’ SClarita City Council — Pals! I write today to beseech you to cease and desist in your search for a new planning commissioner. Why? You have in your clutches the perfect candidate in Yours Truly. Me. I humbly offer my immense talents, experience, vision, leadership and communication skills compacted fetchingly in one, suntanned, trim body capped off with a winning, yes sir or madam can-do smile.

Because of the recent and preposterously embarrassing monkey circus public relations disaster by three of you five council members regarding the previous city planner, the fetching Ms. Denise Lite, I feel I am the perfect warm and twitching body in a chair needed to fill the position.

Again. Why?

As city o’ SClarita’s next planning commissioner, I have absolutely no plans, other than to fawn, “Why yes of course, o wise, serene and all-powerful sir or madam!!!”

Think of all the time the city will save in useless arguing and having to listen to other people’s annoying ideas and opinions. We’ll save paper and computer storage space. What an amazing, streamlined and efficient process you — Mayor Pro Tem Laurene Weste, Mayor Bill Miranda and Councilwoman Patsy Ayala — invented. Come up with an idea, then, tuck your head down and start blindly windmill swinging until it’s implemented!

Very Vlad Putinesque to evaporate any personnel, like Ms. Lite, who dare make eye contact with you!!

But, in the spirit of governance you’ve championed, enough about you. Let’s talk about me. Again, my strong suit? I have no plans, ergo, I won’t be........

© Santa Clarita Valley Signal