In previous posts, I have described sexual agreements and some reasons why couples might benefit from discussing them explicitly. Here we take a look at one challenge couples might encounter in those conversations: What happens if one person shuts down, walks away, or does not participate?

Sometimes saying nothing at all can create as many challenges as saying the wrong thing. Stonewalling – withdrawal in order to avoid or disengage from conversation – numbers among the “4 Horseman of the apocalypse” in Gottman’s influential research on couple’s communication and conflict (Gottman, 1993; Gottman et al., 2019). Here I discuss one reason why partners might withdraw and some strategies for responding to it.

Take a moment to consider this example exchange.

Partner 1: We have been going out for a while, and I was wondering where you stand on being exclusive.

Partner 2: Ok.

Partner 1: I mean, I sort of got the impression that we weren’t having sex with other people. But we haven’t really talked about it. I was just wondering if you had an opinion.

Partner 2: Oh. Ok.

Partner 1: So, does it matter to you?

Partner 2: I dunno.

Partner 1: I mean, if you would prefer to have a more open relationship, I guess I would be willing to talk about that. I’m just not sure what you want. Like, would that make a difference to you?

Partner 2: Maybe.

To call this a conversation is........

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