The Importance of Forgiveness

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Forgiveness doesn't excuse abuse; it's a personal release from resentment and pain.

Empathy or good will isn't required for forgiveness; healing comes from grieving and acceptance.

Unexpected triggers can resurface and help process childhood wounds.

As a kid, did you have a good dad or a bad dad? Is the answer that simple?

I learned about my father’s passing many months after his death, when a surrogate court sent me an obligatory legal notice. I was 48. We’d been estranged for over a decade.

In his will, my father passed me over, stating not once but twice that under no circumstances was I to receive any of his money, even if all other possible beneficiaries were deceased. In my father’s view, it seemed, I was unforgivable.

Before I learned to swim, my father treaded in the deep end of our town pool, lifting his leathery tan arms, opening his hands to catch me. When I jumped, he took his arms down and I slipped underwater, floundering for a few seconds before my father pulled me up to the surface. He laughed hysterically as I coughed and tried to catch my breath.

He said we should try again. This time, he promised he’d catch me. I got out of the pool and went to the edge. I bent my knees and hesitated.

“I’ll catch you,” my father repeated, his head and hands beckoning.

My legs shook, but my desire for my father to catch me was dogged. I wanted him to be the kind of father who would catch me, so I held my breath, closed my eyes and jumped, hoping that this time—this time—he’d keep his word. He rarely did.

Years later, I read Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door, and recognized my father.

My love for my father was dogged. He wasn’t all bad. He could be caring. When I was growing up, he sat beside my bed when I was sick,........

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