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Erikson located "identity achievement" before intimacy in his stage theory of development.

Modern evidence suggests self-knowledge and self-clarity may support later relationship formation.

Being in a relationship, however, does not stall identity development.

Finding a romantic partner is no small task. Neither is figuring out an answer to the age-old question, "Who am I?" Can these two tasks be pursued simultaneously? Or, must you "know yourself" before you're able to have a successful relationship?

Prioritizing the Self May Support Finding Love

You probably know someone who dated regularly, decided to focus on themselves, and then found their dream partner. The classic story goes something like this:

A friend jumps from serious relationship to serious relationship, finding a new partner very quickly after the last. They adopt the habits of their "now" partner, only to drop them and take on something different when the new partner steps in.

Finally they decide, that's enough! They stop the cycle and decide to stay single. Shortly thereafter, someone enters their life unexpectedly. This new relationship turns into their forever relationship.

Did that time alone make a difference? Is knowing yourself a prerequisite to finding a satisfying long-term relationship?

The Self-First Theory Reflects Classic Developmental Psychology

Some theorists suggest that self-knowledge is an essential task before love can form. Erik Erikson, for example, is the famous psychologist who sketched a stage theory of development that identified key milestones from birth to death. He identified adolescence as the critical period when individuals are tasked with identity exploration. This stage might involve tumultuous uncertainty, questions, and exploration, maybe even an "identity crisis." Ultimately, healthy people........

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