Taking responsibility requires realistic assessment of ourselves, others, and situations.

Self-compassion sustains curiosity, whereas shame and self-criticism shut it down.

Developing self-compassion is supported by trusting, caring relationships with others.

Self-compassion is advantageous to overall well-being and recovery from mental illness, but many people are still skeptical and fear that it leads to irresponsibility or self-indulgence. So,

Is it possible to practice self-compassion and take realistic accountability for our choices and behaviors?

If you implicitly associate personal accountability with shame, then it’s a natural question. The difference between shame and guilt is important. Guilt is the painful feeling that comes with recognizing that you have done something “wrong,” something regrettable, hurtful to others, against your values, etc. Assuming that you did in fact do something that hurt yourself or someone else or that runs counter to your values, guilt is an uncomfortable but perfectly natural and appropriate emotional response. Shame is the deeper and often problematic belief that because you did something “wrong,” you are “bad.” Naturally, shame and self-compassion do not go together, so if shame is your typical response to accountability, then it would be tricky to take accountability for your actions while also offering yourself compassion.

To navigate this dilemma, we have to set the precedent that,

Accountability and responsibility are only adaptive if they are reasonable and realistic.

It is possible to not take enough accountability (which is often what shame-prone people are afraid of; they don’t want to let themselves “off the hook”). It is equally possible to take too much responsibility, which would be just as destructive as taking too little. Hopefully, all of us would say that a victim of abuse should not take responsibility for how someone else abused them. Not only does this not make sense (i.e., it is not reasonable or realistic because we cannot take responsibility for someone else’s actions, only our own), but it is also immensely destructive to that person’s self-esteem, self-worth, and overall mental health.

This is where compassion is not just a “feel-good” skill.

To assess how much accountability is “just right,” then we have to see the situation, anyone else involved, and ourselves as clearly as possible.

If we see any of those things in an overly biased or distorted way, then we are compromised in our ability to judge how much responsibility we should take. So, the main goal of self-compassion as it relates to accountability is to help us see more clearly. If we feel better as a byproduct, great. It takes a great deal of courage to take honest looks at your life and relationships. It is not for the faint of heart!

Self-compassion gives us the strength to be curious and examine our lives and our role in them.

Without genuine curiosity, there’s a good chance that you will either burn out or just churn out inaccurate conclusions. Shame and self-criticism promote neither curiosity nor insight. Instead, self-criticism shuts down curiosity because it jumps too quickly to the conclusion that you are bad, you should feel bad, and other people probably think the same thing. In no situation is that conclusion complex enough of an explanation. So, practicing self-compassion is simply not an optional part of recovery or responsibility. If you are seeking personal responsibility and a pathway out of pain and suffering, then you need every tool at your disposal to understand yourself and your problems accurately, meaning, yes, you need self-compassion, too.

You will also need help.

Shifting the relationship you have with yourself toward one of genuine self-compassion (i.e., not of an “inflated ego”) requires the support of others who can help you reflect upon yourself and your life with curiosity and caring. This also requires trust that those others are not simply puffing you up or unfairly judging you, meaning you need to develop a close enough relationship with them so that you can hash those things out together. The good news is that these things are mutually reinforcing. The opposite of a “shame spiral,” you can get caught up in a “compassion spiral,” where the caring that you experience with others motivates caring for yourself, and caring for yourself facilitates greater receptivity to the care that others extend to you.

So, is it possible to both practice self-compassion and take realistic accountability for our choices and behaviors? Yes, not only is it possible, but

Self-compassion is necessary if you hope to take responsibility.

That being said, it is OK to be dubious of this and to voice your doubts when they arise. Those will be meaningful opportunities to explore your perception of yourself, others, and various events with the person/people that you are developing a close, trusting relationship with.

Your desire for accountability is noble, and there are likely good reasons for your strong sense of responsibility and justice. The good news is, self-compassion is not the enemy of responsibility; it is what makes honest accountability possible.

© Psychology Today