I met Simone* in college, and we are not alike in many ways. Yet she’s the friend I call when I’m upset or if I am not sure what to do next, when I want to share a secret or celebrate a success. We look to each other for a good laugh or to cheer one another up. We live many states apart, but we prioritize connecting whenever we can. We feel safe, protected, and valued, and after years of friendship, I don’t know what we would do without each other.

Of course, that’s not to say every relationship doesn’t have its ups and downs.

Recently, Simone and I, along with our significant others, had a heated discussion on a Zoom call over, no surprise, politics. Afterward, my husband was concerned that Simone would not speak to me anytime soon. I reminded him that our connection was too tight for that to happen; it’s highly unlikely we would dismiss each other when we don’t agree.

He knows that from his own friendships. I’ve witnessed him giving his close friends space after disagreeing, but not to the point of severing the bond. Like my relationship with Simone, almost nothing could come between him and the friends he cherishes.

Friendships like my husband’s or mine with Simone are critical to well-being for most of us and help define who we are. Forming new friendships or strengthening older ones requires first being aware of their value and alert to the subtle subtexts we might otherwise miss.

In his book, How to Be a Friend, Barnet Bain dissects the fragile elements of friendship that need close attention. We want our friends to be people who don’t judge or compete with us, and we shouldn’t compete with them, he explains. But that’s only part of the story.

Starting........

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