Why Relationships Matter

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A simple tool of holding a regular calendar meeting can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment.

Structure isn't sexy but can create a more "we are a team" environment, which opens all levels of intimacy.

If you are someone who needs spontaneity, use your calendar meeting to build in times for flow.

Calendar meetings help you create the life and relationship you truly desire.

I see a lot of couples face unnecessary discord because they do not carve out time to discuss the schedule of their lives together. Typically, partners wing it–week by week or day by day. This becomes fertile ground for clashes in communication, concealed expectations, stress, resentment, and a life where fun as a couple gets squeezed out.

There are many facets to modern-day relationships. In my book, A Soulful Marriage, I use a wheel to represent the "8 friendships" that either bring light or darkness to your bond. Think of these 8 friendships as the spokes inside your relationship: 1) Emotional, 2) Physical/Sexual, 3) Domestic, 4) Recreational, 5) Parenting, 6) Community, 7) Financial, and 8) Spiritual.

Like all wheels, the relationship wheel has a tire. In your relationship, communication — effective, open, and soulful communication — is the tire that allows you to safely and effectively move the relationship forward.

"Calendar meetings" are particularly important for your domestic, parenting, and recreational relationships. However, these proactive conversations can touch and enhance each facet of your love and life together, directly and indirectly.

Calendar meetings are highly undervalued by most spouses, and I was one of them. In fact, as someone who falls on the spontaneous versus planner side of the spectrum, I resisted. However, when my husband and I began these sit-down schedule sessions regularly, I became a convert. We both felt more balanced, together, and lighter. This article is to help you appreciate the surprisingly powerful tool of regular "calendar meetings" and how to do them well.

Why Make Time For Calendar Meetings?

To reduce stress and living in reaction to crisis.

To prevent silent resentment, assumptions, and/or feeling unsupported.

To feel "we are a team" with a shared vision, which makes everything lighter and more fun.

To bring dreams and expectations out in the open to be honored and negotiated.

To smooth differences in attachment styles by creating both predictability and space.

To balance the emotional and mental load of day-to-day family life.

To live intentionally and aligned with what matters most in your life and your relationship.

To balance planners and spontaneous partners with structure that still leaves room for flexibility.

Tips for Calendar Meetings That Bring You Closer

Pick a time that works well for you both — e.g., Sunday mornings.

Sit somewhere comfortable — like the couch or kitchen table — and refrain from multi-tasking.

Commit to some level of regularity, e.g., weekly, even if you think there is nothing big to discuss.

Keep it to 20-30 minutes, though consistency is more important than length.

Make it more relational than just logistical, with questions to start off like: What was one thing you appreciated about our relationship this week? What is something that would help you feel supported by me this week?

What was one thing you appreciated about our relationship this week?

What is something that would help you feel supported by me this week?

Come with an open heart and intention to support each other and the relationship, especially for potential stress points. This could sound like: Where do you feel overwhelmed? How can we lighten the load for each other?

Where do you feel overwhelmed?

How can we lighten the load for each other?

Include "practical matters" such as work events, family travel, children's schedule, family obligations, division of domestic labor, and work needs.

Make sure to include "playful and soulful matters" too, like creating time for just the two of you, spiritual endeavors, entertaining, couple travel, volunteering, birthday wishes, or big picture dreams, needs, and desires.

End with something positive. Consider questions like: What did we handle well together? What is something you are looking forward to?

What did we handle well together?

What is something you are looking forward to?

What did we handle well together?

What is something you are looking forward to?

Calendar meetings aren't enough for a great relationship, but they are a simple tool to remove barriers and create a sense of unity. They are one way to live the "priority pillar" of your relationship, which is what happens when "we make each other the most important other person in our lives."

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

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