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Here are some examples of a type of statement I often hear from clients:

“I appreciate the fact that my partner loves me and cares about me, but part of me just wants to be left alone.”

“My mom is getting older and I know I should spend more time with her, but part of me just doesn’t want to be around her.”

“I know I should be looking for a better job and trying to make more money, but part of me is just not interested in trying.”

These statements all involve a speaker invoking the idea of a part of themselves. Like they have their own established, developed, mature personality, but deep down inside them, there’s a different part of them that wants to act differently than they’d consciously like. This part of ourselves that we refer to in this way is a very important part of ourselves. In fact, one might argue that this part is, in fact, our actual self, and the larger version of ourselves we consider ourselves is actually just a part of this other part.

This Part can be thought of in many ways, with different names. I like to think of this part of ourselves as our inner child. To me, this part is the original version of ourselves, the younger part that was able to feel and process and develop responses to emotions, but was not developed enough to support itself in its conclusions. It is the child who is reprimanded or encouraged, treated with love or indifference, supported or left alone, and is not mature enough to soothe themselves.

An adult has the ability to reason. An adult can choose to remove themselves from situations. An adult can choose to believe what they think about themselves over what someone else thinks about them. An adult can rationalize and be critical. This is the grown-up part of ourselves that we think of as our true selves.

A child cannot stand up for themselves. A child cannot define themselves based on how they think about themselves versus what the adults around them think about them. A child learns from their environment how to feel about themselves. A child believes what other people tell them about the world and themselves. This is our inner child. This is often the part we speak of when we refer to some part of ourselves that feels different from our adult selves.

It’s important to appreciate this distinction because it can lead to the kind of personal growth we come to therapy for. If a client says to me, “I know I should be upset, but part of me just didn’t want to make a scene,” I would be curious about this part that didn’t want to make a scene. Why not? What might you say to cause a scene? And is that even causing a scene? Tell me more about this other part of yourself.

In this example, we might drill down into this client’s personal history and find a time in their childhood where they were reprimanded by their parents for stating their needs. Meaning, getting upset at their fifth birthday party when the promised Spider Man impersonator didn’t show up. Let’s say this client became upset and started to cry when their highly anticipated Friendly Neighborhood Spider Man didn’t appear, and when they became upset they were told by their parents to stop making a scene. We might find other examples of times in their youth when this client, upon getting angry or sad or upset, was told by their parents to stop making a scene. What has happened is that they’ve identified this part of themselves that has guided their actions and emotions from that moment in childhood up until today. There’s a part of this client that feels shame when they stand up for themselves and clearly state their needs, and these feelings show up as what they refer to as a part of ourselves but are very much their true selves.

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So when we say a part of ourselves, it’s more than a part. It’s us! And through talk therapy, we can explore this more, really getting into how we felt as children during these formative moments and times, and how we as adults might support our child selves. What would the crying 5-year-old want to hear when Spidey doesn’t show up at our birthday party? Well, we already know the answer is not “stop making a scene”. The answer might be something like “I’m sorry, I know you’re upset, I know you were really looking forward to this, but unfortunately it looks like Spider Man was called away to save the planet with the Avengers. But it’s okay to cry, I get it, you’re upset.” And this is what the client can say to that part of themselves in the present, addressing this part of themselves reacting in a way based on events in the past.

In this situation, we are parenting ourselves. We are thinking back to a time when we were children, identifying how the way we were parented was lacking, and doing the desired version of this parenting now in real time. To continue with this example client, if the adult version of themselves is in a situation where they feel upset, but a part of them doesn’t want make a scene, it’s time for the adult self to then say “I don’t think you’re making a scene. You’re just standing up for yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” These parts of ourselves are ourselves, only younger and more vulnerable. It is up to our adult selves to parent our child selves, to give them the support they need to change the way they react to the events or relationships in the present day.

© Psychology Today