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Real security involves accepting life's inherent dangers and unpredictability.

Security may stem from internal resilience, not external assurances.

Faith and self-kindness provide stability when external securities falter.

I recently discovered I was living with a fabricated measure of security. Such a discovery had me wondering about other possible forms of fake security in my life.

Living in rural Connecticut almost demands having a generator to handle periodic power outages. Last December, we purchased a $10,000.00 generator, which I decided would be the way to secure winter warmth. No storm would leave us shivering under candlelight.

However, our trusty generator needed propane to operate. Discovering a reliable source was a tedious task with no easy find. We made it through two winter storms with the hope that a propane delivery was imminent. Unfortunately, not so imminent. The third storm left us powerless for more than 30 hours. I awoke on a Tuesday morning with viral bronchitis and was greeted by a room temperature of 52 degrees.

My immediate response was to curse the new propane company. I quickly dressed, refusing to wear a hat, and noticed how victimized I felt. I decided to hold myself to a level of accountability. Remaining a victim did not feel like a viable option with no one prepared to save me. I thought, what do I advocate others do when a situation is not accommodating their needs? I typically suggest pausing with the question: “What is this situation asking of me?”

It became obvious that I had allowed myself to slip into a very misleading conventional way of understanding life: that life is understandable, predictable, and mostly secure. I needed to peel away a layer of the culture wrapped around me. With a moment of reflection, I came back to understanding life as filled with unknowns, very unpredictable, and quite insecure. My sparkling new generator was guaranteed to do nothing other than look quite impressive sitting in our yard. Once we decide that life is not filled with unknowns and is highly unpredictable, the stage is set for creating an array of fabricated security measures. A sound bank account, a home, a job, a family, friends, a good reputation, and a damn good generator can all fail their mission to offer security.

From the Latin, the word security means “without care and safe, free from danger.” Well, if we get honest about the nature of life, we’ll never be free from danger. We will experience betrayal, loss, illness, accidents, violence, war, and catastrophic natural events. Given the nature of the journey, it makes sense to live with an appropriate level of denial. It means being aware of the truth about life, and not ruminating about it, since it would be easy to be overcome with worry, anxiety, and incapacitation.

4 Measures of Softening

The sooner we accept the reality of life without cynicism, the more likely we will feel less shocked and surprised by life’s blows. Let’s look at four measures of softening insecurity that help us live life on life’s terms.

Maintain a compassionate holding of yourself. It can be very reassuring to believe that whatever happens, we will remain kind to ourselves. We commit to doing our best to interrupt shame, guilt, ridicule, and feelings of victimization. We can continue to hold the power to care for ourselves. It happened to me while I was sick and standing in a cold house. The question, “What is this situation asking of me?” placed me in a relationship with the situation, nudged me out of feeling victimized, and helped me make meaning of it by recalling my four options.

Make peace with suffering. Obviously, suffering can take its toll. However, suffering is more unbearable when we fight against it. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross writes about those who make peace with suffering. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” What does a person bring back with them from those depths? They likely enter a new relationship with their resilience and strength. They hold a renewed faith that they can live life on life’s terms and can ask for help. They come away with a deeper capacity for empathy and compassion.

Accepting death. Nothing softens the perilous nature of life more than accepting the reality of dying. Genuine acceptance of death is usually accompanied by gratitude. Contrary to the ego’s demand for more, there is a palpable appreciation for all that life has given. This is captured so well in the last lines of a poem by Amado Nervo. “I loved, I was loved, the sun caressed my face. Life, you owe me nothing. Life, we are at peace!”

Belief in God. God, however, you understand God, can soften life’s inevitable insecurity. So many mystics from different persuasions speak of God as love. If you hold the faith in this ever-pervasive experience of love, you may feel comforted during times of great challenge. I, personally, view God as deeply mysterious, and I feel blessed by the first three measures of softening. I have the opportunity to continue to learn to be kind to myself and do my best to make peace with suffering and death. Who knows, such an opportunity may be an expression of God’s love. Certainly, having people in our lives who love us contributes to the softening. I simply did not mention them as one of the softening measures because of the little control we have over their continued presence in our lives. We have the choice and control over how kind we are to ourselves, how we make peace with suffering and dying, and whether we believe in an all-loving God.

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