The Fundamentals of Sex

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Sex about once a week or more is linked to the highest relationship satisfaction.

Desire often follows sexual initiation, not the other way around.

Small shifts like touch, gratitude, and novelty make frequency more likely.

Most people don’t notice when their sex life starts to change.

Over time, what was once easy begins to feel effortful. And suddenly you’re left wondering, is this it? Is this just married sex? And then that quiet fear creeps in…” Are we having it ‘enough?’”

What I’ve learned over more than a decade of teaching and researching sexuality is that this experience is not unusual. And that actually, you’re probably more normal than you think. However, a fulfilling sex life in any long-term relationship does take curiosity, intention, and yes, a certain amount of planning. Which brings us to the question: “What should we aim for?”

The surprisingly modest “sweet spot”

Many people assume that a good sex life means having sex extremely frequently. In reality, the data tells a much more reassuring story.

Large-scale studies consistently find that couples who have sex about once a week or more report the highest levels of relationship satisfaction and overall well-being. Interestingly, these same studies show that more sex isn’t always better. In fact, the relationship between sexual frequency and well-being flattens after once a week, suggesting that despite what we may think, the most sexually satisfied couples aren’t having sex daily, or even more than once a week. Though there’s certainly nothing wrong with having sex that often, the data shows that when couples force themselves to have it more than they truly want, that pressure often backfires.

Why waiting for desire doesn’t work

One of the most persistent myths about sex is that you should only have it when you feel fully in the mood. But like many things in life, sometimes that feeling of “readiness” happens only after you’ve started.

This belief is especially problematic in long-term relationships. Research on sexual desire shows that for many people, particularly women, desire is often responsive rather than spontaneous (Nagoski, 2018). It emerges after physical or emotional engagement has already begun.

If you wait for both partners to feel spontaneously aroused at the same time, you may be waiting indefinitely.

This is why many clinicians and researchers now encourage couples to be more intentional about sex. Not in a rigid or transactional way, but in a way that acknowledges that desire often follows action, not the other way around.

Why scheduling sex actually works

Scheduling sex has an unfortunate reputation for being unromantic. But when you step back, it starts to look less like a failure and more like a form of prioritization.

We schedule workouts, social plans, and even downtime. Yet we often expect sex, something deeply tied to both physical and relational well-being, to somehow happen on its own.

Couples who maintain satisfying sex lives over time tend to have one thing in common: they create the conditions for connection. That might mean setting aside time to be together at least once a week without distractions, slowing down at the end of the day, or intentionally shifting from “task mode” to “relationship mode.” In this way, you aren’t just planning sex, you are planning to create the conditions which make it more likely to happen, rather than just expecting either partner to instantly turn on.

Importantly, scheduling does not mean obligation. It means creating an opportunity. If one or both partners genuinely aren’t interested in that moment, the goal is flexibility, not pressure.

The quiet erosion of intimacy

In many relationships, the first thing to disappear is not sex itself, but touch. And if the only time couples touch each other is once a week when they plan for intimacy, it can become a pressure-filled recipe for failure.

The Fundamentals of Sex

Take our Sexual Satisfaction Test

Find a sex therapist near me

Small gestures, holding hands, a hug, a kiss when you walk in the door, often fade as couples become more focused on logistics. Over time, relationships can begin to feel more like partnerships in managing life than sources of emotional or physical connection.

Research consistently shows that affectionate touch plays a critical role in maintaining closeness. It reinforces bonding, increases feelings of security, and can help sustain sexual desire over time.

What’s happening outside the bedroom matters

Sexual difficulties are often rooted in dynamics that have little to do with sex itself.

One of the most consistent findings in relationship research is the role of fairness in household labor. When one partner carries a disproportionate share of domestic responsibilities, it can lead to exhaustion and resentment. Both are deeply incompatible with desire.

Studies have found that couples who share household tasks more equitably tend to have more frequent sex and higher levels of satisfaction. Not because chores are inherently sexy, but because fairness fosters goodwill, and goodwill creates the conditions for intimacy.

In other words, planning intimacy once a week is a wonderful goal, but it’s unlikely to happen when resentments are brimming. Never underestimate the power of gratitude and recognition of all that your partner does.

Novelty doesn’t have to be dramatic

Planning intimacy once a week is more likely to happen when there’s something about the experience to look forward to. And the key to making that true is novelty.

But this doesn’t need to mean major changes. Research shows that in reality, small shifts can be surprisingly powerful. Enter what I call “micro-novelty.”

A different time of day. A new setting. Slight variations in familiar routines. These “micro-novelties” can help counteract the predictability that sometimes dampens desire.

No one craves tacos every night for dinner, even if they happen to love tacos. This is why small shifts in how you set the mood, slight changes of technique, or sharing fantasies and turn-ons can make you more present and excited when your intimacy date arrives.

If there is one takeaway from decades of research on sex and relationships, it is this: Good sex is not about perfection, super high frequency, or constant excitement.

Yes, regular sex is important to relationship well-being, but more isn’t always better. And ultimately, connection, intention, and responsiveness matter more than one special number.

Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302.

Prause, N., Siegle, G. J., & Coan, J. (2021). Partner intimate touch is associated with increased interpersonal closeness, especially in non-romantic partners. PLoS One, 16(3), e0246065.

Van Anders, S. M., Herbenick, D., Brotto, L. A., Harris, E. A., & Chadwick, S. B. (2022). The heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire in women partnered with men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(1), 391-415.

Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.

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