The Fundamentals of Sex

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Sex about once a week or more is linked to the highest relationship satisfaction.

Desire often follows sexual initiation, not the other way around.

Small shifts like touch, gratitude, and novelty make frequency more likely.

Most people don’t notice when their sex life starts to change.

Over time, what was once easy begins to feel effortful. And suddenly you’re left wondering, is this it? Is this just married sex? And then that quiet fear creeps in…” Are we having it ‘enough?’”

What I’ve learned over more than a decade of teaching and researching sexuality is that this experience is not unusual. And that actually, you’re probably more normal than you think. However, a fulfilling sex life in any long-term relationship does take curiosity, intention, and yes, a certain amount of planning. Which brings us to the question: “What should we aim for?”

The surprisingly modest “sweet spot”

Many people assume that a good sex life means having sex extremely frequently. In reality, the data tells a much more reassuring story.

Large-scale studies consistently find that couples who have sex about once a week or more report the highest levels of relationship satisfaction and overall well-being. Interestingly, these same studies show that more sex isn’t always better. In fact, the relationship between sexual frequency and well-being flattens after once a week, suggesting that despite what we may think, the most sexually satisfied couples aren’t having sex daily, or even more than once a week. Though there’s certainly nothing wrong with having sex that often, the data shows that when couples force themselves to have it more than they truly want, that pressure often backfires.

Why waiting for desire doesn’t work

One of the most persistent myths about sex is that you should........

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