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Asking obvious questions can seem odd, especially to a clueless teenager.

The value of talking, about small things, can have big benefits.

Being willing to ask obvious questions can make others feel safe.

A recent piece in The New York Times by Roger Rosenblatt, The Bigness of Small Talk, reminded me of my completely clueless self when I was in high school.

When I was a kid and we needed to fill up my dad’s Jeep Wagoneer or my mother’s Chevy Impala, we went to a “filling station” for gas. So many times, I was with my dad when we drove to the local station and every time we went I winced, knowing what was coming next.

“You got any gas?” He would ask Calvin, who owned the station with his brother.

“Yup,” Calvin said, chuckling. “Got gas.” Those were just about the only words I ever heard Calvin say. Almost never anything else.

I cringed every time we went, so embarrassed was I with my father’s question. What was he thinking? We were at a gas station. Where they sold gasoline. For cars. Of course they had gas. I slunk down in the back seat.

One time, he asked his oddball question, and Calvin answered, as always.

Then my dad got out of the car, while the pump filled it up. Calvin washed the windshield.

My dad tilted his head toward the garage and said, “What are you working on these days?”

Calvin stopped, looked at the garage, and then for the next three minutes of window washing, told my father about the two cars they had up on the rack, about the carburetors and engines and I have no idea what that he was fixing. He must have spoken 300 words. Calvin?

The pump clicked that it was finished giving its gasoline. My dad looked at the price on the pump (probably $.20/gallon in those dark ages). He pulled out cash (always) and handed it to Calvin.

“Thanks. See you next time.”

Calvin nodded, stepped aside, and we drove away.

As I got older, I (finally) understood what was going on. My dad wasn’t really asking if Calvin had gas at a gas station, but rather, he was making a connection: giving Calvin a chance to chuckle at how silly my father was, but also to be the focus of my father’s gentle attention, and to talk about something he knew a lot about (fixing cars).

That experience roared back at me when I read Rosenblatt’s article on small talk. The caption grabbed me: “Make others aware that, for at least one moment, they have a safe home with you.” They are under no pressure to be or say something brilliant. They can simply respond as expected (“Yup. We have gas.”) Or, if you ask it in a way that shows real interest, they can talk about something they know (fixing cars).

The other day, at a new coffee shop, I said something without even thinking about it.

“You have any coffee here?”

The barista chuckled. “We have lots. What can I get you?”

She gave me unlimited refills, extra space for my cream, and a short talk about the types of coffees they made.

Here’s to small talk. And to oddball questions.

Why Relationships Matter

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