Waiting for others to change leaves us dependent on something entirely outside our control.

The hardest part of any broken trust isn't what others did—it's how we abandon ourselves.

There is a practical path from feeling stuck to trusting yourself in relationships.

Trust feels genuinely difficult right now—and for many of us, for very good reason. Something has shifted. The certainties we relied on feel less certain. The systems we counted on feel less reliable. And the people around us? They can feel harder to read, harder to predict, harder to count on.

When trust feels this fragile, it’s natural to focus on what others need to do differently. If they were more honest, more consistent, more accountable—then things would feel safer. And sometimes that’s a fair assessment. But waiting for others to change leaves us dependent on something entirely outside our control.

The More Practical Question

What if the more practical question isn’t “Are they trustworthy?”—but “Can I trust myself to navigate whatever they do?”

This isn’t about lowering the bar for others’ behavior, or pretending difficult people aren’t difficult. It’s about recognizing that how we show up in our relationships is the one thing we can always work with.

What Self-Trust Gives Us

Psychologists describe this as secure attachment to ourselves—and it’s different from confidence or optimism. It’s the quiet knowing that when things get hard, we will show up for ourselves. We’ll advocate for what we need. We’ll ask for help when we need it. We’ll set healthy limits when the situation calls for it. And we won’t abandon ourselves—even if others do.

When we have that self-trust, difficult relationships become more navigable—not because the other person has changed, but because we trust ourselves to handle whatever comes.

Without that self-trust, we’re vulnerable to a pattern that psychologist Stephen Karpman identified, called the Drama Triangle. When we don’t feel safe enough, our nervous system tips into protection mode, and our brains generate stories to make sense of what’s happening. And these stories tend to follow a familiar shape:

We cast someone as the Villain—the source of all our problems.

We look for a Hero—someone who can fix things and rescue us.

And see a Victim—overwhelmed, helpless, waiting for something outside themselves to change.

This isn't a character flaw. It's just faulty maths. Our brains search for the fastest path back to safety—and the story of the Drama Triangle feels like an answer that's easy to understand. But when we place both the threat and the solution outside of ourselves, we abandon ourselves in the process.

Start With Compassion

The first step back toward trusting yourself is to start with compassion—particularly for yourself. When we can see the story we’re stuck in with some kindness and understanding, rather than judgment, something loosens. We’re not a bad person for casting Villains, hoping for Heroes, or seeing Victims. We’re a human being whose brain is trying to manage a situation that feels unsafe.

That moment of self-compassion—“Oh, I'm not feeling safe enough in this situation, and I need a better way to navigate what's unfolding”—is often what creates just enough space to slow down and calculate a more reliable path.Try asking yourself: Are the stories I'm telling about this situation serving me and others well? Have I gotten myself stuck in a drama triangle?

Once there’s a little space, curiosity becomes possible. And curiosity changes everything—because it shifts the question from “What did they do wrong?” to “What is mine to learn?”Drawing on the research of David Emerald, I’ve come to think of this as the Compassion Circle: Every Villain can become a Challenger—someone pushing us toward growth we wouldn’t have chosen but perhaps needed. The Hero we were searching for can become a Coach—someone who supports us while trusting we’re capable. And instead of staying stuck as the Victim, we can step into the role of Creator—someone who recognizes they can’t control others, but can choose their own response.

Personally, I find it helpful to imagine the person I’ve been casting as the Villain with a big red bow on top of their head—the unexpected gift of learning and growth I didn’t ask for, and didn’t want, but am being given nonetheless.

Try asking yourself: What might this situation be trying to teach me? What growth is being asked of me here, even if I didn’t sign up for it?

Finally, Get Creative

With compassion and curiosity as your foundation, more creativity becomes available. This is where we move from stuck to accountable—not waiting to be rescued, not rehearsing the blame story, but taking accountability for our own learning and growth.

It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Small experiments are often the wisest—a different kind of conversation, a boundary named for the first time, help asked for rather than waited on. The point is that you’re no longer waiting for someone to save you. You’re trusting yourself to be in relationships with others.

Try asking yourself: How do I want to show up for myself and others in this situation? How will this help me learn to trust myself to be in healthy relationships?

Trusting others will always be complicated. People will sometimes disappoint us—sometimes significantly, and sometimes for reasons entirely within their control. We don’t have to pretend otherwise.

But the question of whether we trust ourselves is one we can actually do something about. Learning to show up for ourselves, to advocate for what we need, to set healthy limits, and to not abandon ourselves when things get hard—this is the foundation that makes navigating who to trust, when to trust, and how to trust others possible.

What might change in your relationships if you trusted yourself more?

Marriott, S., & Kelley, A. (2024). Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World. HarperCollins.

Lac, A., & Donaldson, C. D. (2022). Development and validation of the drama triangle scale: are you a victim, rescuer, or persecutor?. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(7-8), NP4057–NP4081.

Emerald, D. (2016). The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic. Bainbridge Island, WA: Polaris Publishing.

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