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Regardless of the reason people seek therapy, most people want reassurance they will be okay.

Good therapists instill hope.

Predicting positive futures makes positive outcomes more likely.

Last week, I worked with a couple whose marriage was dangling by a thread. The wife discovered that her husband had had an affair with a co-worker for 17 of the 25 years they had been married.

The news of this affair nearly did her in. Their two adult sons were told about their father’s infidelity and, despite the fact that they adored their father, they begged their mother to leave.

Yet, despite the monumental betrayal and the intense pain she felt in the aftermath of the discovery, the woman wasn’t certain she wanted a divorce. In the weeks that followed the discovery, her husband showed a part of himself she hadn’t seen for years, a part that she had craved for decades.

The decision to stay or go was secondary to dealing with unbearable pain she was experiencing each day. The pain, she said, was debilitating. She feared that she would never feel herself again and that she would be lost forever in a labyrinth of unbearable ups and downs no matter what she decided to do about her marriage.

Each morning, when she opened her eyes, she prayed that she had been dreaming, only to quickly remember that her nightmare was real. Merely putting one foot in front of the other felt like a daunting task.

Just when it seemed that her vision of her future was darkest, I turned to her and said:

“I know you won’t believe me now, and for that matter, why should you? But I promise you that you will not always feel the way you are feeling in this moment. I know it seems as if you will never feel yourself again, that you will never feel joy, that, even if things get better between you and your husband, the triggers will follow you endlessly and your life will be filled with depression and anxiety.

But here’s the truth.

There will come a time when this nightmare will end. It will take a while. But the bad thoughts won’t happen as often, and when they do, they won’t have the same sting as they do now. Eventually, almost imperceptibly, you will find yourself focusing on other things. You will feel yourself again.

You won’t forget what happened, nor should you, because you will learn a great deal from this crisis. But sometime soon, you will be able to wrap your brain around this crisis, and with or without your husband, you will make sense of it and move forward. You will land on your feet.

I promise that what I’m saying to you is true. When it happens, you will notice it, and you’ll remember, 'This is what Michele predicted would happen.' And you will also notice your inner peace.

Again, it won’t happen tomorrow, but it will happen. In fact, you’ve noticed moments recently when you’ve had a respite from the pain. Those moments will happen more and more frequently over time. Pay attention to them. It means you are slowly moving in the direction of healing.”

In the over 4 decades of working with couples and families, I have learned at least one very important lesson. Regardless of the reason people seek help, most people simply want to know, “Am I going to be okay? Tell me that I’m going to land on my feet no matter what.” They simply want to be reassured.

I believe that good therapists are hope mongers.

I find it incredulous that graduate students aren’t taught this principle in graduate school. Helping people find light in the darkness, insuring them emphatically that they will find their way, I believe, is one the most important things that happens during therapy. People should leave the very first session feeling hope that tomorrow will be brighter than today. Hope is an essential prerequisite to the therapeutic changes people make when their lives feel broken.

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Although some may think that my unwavering and emphatic reassurances about the future may be unwarranted and risk instilling false hope. But in the words of Dr. Bernie Siegel, “I worry more about instilling false despair.”

© Psychology Today