Research has revealed three broad types of difficult workers.

One approach to handling difficult coworkers is engaging in honest conversation.

There are steps you can follow for conducting a positive conversation aimed at solutions.

If you have coworkers, there’s a decent chance that you consider at least one of them to be difficult to work with. In a previous post, I offered an approach that was based on examining your assumptions about difficult people at work, and then reframing how you interpret their motives. Here, I’d like to offer a more direct approach to having difficult conversations with problematic coworkers.

A review of the relevant research revealed that problematic coworkers tend to fall into three broad categories: 1) those who withhold their full effort, 2) those who are chronically negative or pessimistic, and 3) those who display some form of inappropriate interpersonal behavior. These three general types appear to cover a wide range of individual possibilities.

What makes a conversation “difficult”? For one, such conversations are uncomfortable for both parties because they address behaviors and reactions that are rarely directly addressed. Instead, people tend to gossip and complain about difficult coworkers behind their backs. Doing so vents some of the frustration and gives the commiserating coworkers something over which to bond. Unfortunately, this approach doesn’t tend to result in a resolution of the problems.

Imagine, instead, having a heartfelt conversation with your difficult coworker, not for the purpose of establishing blame or causing upset, but as a genuine attempt to solve problems. Having such a conversation requires skill (which can be developed) and entails some risk of upsetting the other person, potentially causing an open rift. However, my experience has been that we tend to overestimate the likelihood and severity of emotional upset when imagining a direct conversation.

Key ingredients for a successful conversation include your motives, tone, and willingness to be a bit vulnerable. Unproductive motives include wanting to unload on the other person, blame the other person, or force them to apologize or admit wrongdoing. No matter how measured your words, your coworker will pick up on your motives and react defensively (with good reason). An unproductive tone is one that elicits defensiveness or upset from the other person. And if you’re unwilling to be at least a little bit vulnerable, you will come across as casting yourself as better than the other person.

How can you initiate a difficult conversation? Ensure that you’ve processed your own emotions and motives so that you’re in a problem-solving state of mind, rather than wanting to vent and blame. You want to feel confident that you can stay on track and not be derailed by emotions. Then, respectfully ask your coworker for the opportunity to have a conversation, in private. It’s important that there is adequate time and privacy to help ensure a productive conversation. If it’s possible to do so outside of work (perhaps over lunch or a drink), all the better.

Next, have your opening statements well prepared. How you start the conversation sets the tone for how it unfolds. Throughout the conversation, continually focus on remaining calm, not raising your voice, and not cutting off the other person in an attempt to correct or defend against their statements. They’re liable to get flustered and try to deflect by pointing the finger elsewhere (and possibly at you). Listen as much as is necessary for the other person to feel heard. Only speak when there is a clear pause indicating that your coworker is finished.

Never start a sentence with “You"; instead, focus on using “I” statements. “You” statements elicit defensiveness, whereas “I” statements involve sharing your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, which are yours and not as easy to argue against. Sure, your coworker might try to argue that you shouldn’t feel or think a certain way, but that doesn’t negate the fact that you do (or did). One way to respond if they say you shouldn’t feel or think a particular way is, “Maybe, but I do.”

Here is a potential framework for starting a conversation with a difficult coworker:

“I want to have a respectful conversation about how I’ve been thinking and feeling. I find myself feeling ______ because it seems to me that ______.”

“I want to have a respectful conversation about how I’ve been thinking and feeling. I find myself feeling ______ because it seems to me that ______.”

The first blank might be filled in with “upset,” “angry,” “frustrated,” “uncomfortable,” “disappointed,” etc. The second blank is where you focus on the specific issue or behavior that you find problematic. Notice that “it seems to me” indicates that you are sharing your perspective, not stating something about the other person as an absolute fact.

For the first type of difficult coworker, examples for filling in this blank could include “you’re not working as hard as you are capable of,” “you’re not performing everything that is in your job description,” “you’re not completing work on time,” or “you frequently leave early (or arrive late)." For the second type of difficult coworker, examples for filling in this blank might include “you’re often negative or pessimistic,” or “you typically focus on why something can’t be done." For the third type of difficult coworker, examples for filling in this blank may include “you sometimes say things that are racist/sexist,” “you talk about things that I don’t think should be brought into the workplace,” or "you act in ways that I find disrespectful."

In my experience, having a calm, respectful conversation as described here prompts an honest comparison of perspectives, which results in increased trust and closeness. Most people don't want to be thought of negatively, and so sharing your experience is likely to prompt motivation to behave differently moving forward.

What prevents most people from having these unusual conversations? Usually, the assumption that such a talk won’t do any good, and could possibly escalate to a shouting match. Of course, you don’t have control over how your coworker will react, but in deciding not to even attempt a frank conversation, you may be underestimating both yourself and your colleague. Regardless of the outcome, you will have grown.

Felps, Mitchell, & Byington (2006). How, When, and Why Bad Apples Spoil the Barrel: Negative Group Members and Dysfunctional Groups. Research in Organizational Behavior, 27, 175–222.

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