Negotiating and defining what our boundaries are, when done with care, can actually strengthen relationships.

Letting someone act in ways that are dysregulated isn't kindness.

Research finds that permissive parenting reduces kids’ abilities to regulate aggression.

Anger is the sense that something is wrong; aggression is the desire to harm others.

I recently heard someone say that a speaker making vicious and slanderous claims about other people in a meeting was acceptable behavior. For her, the meeting went well because no one else had taken the bait by reacting to the vitriol.

I guess that’s better than if the rant had dragged others into an equally false and mean-spirited back-and-forth. But I felt that something important was missing here: Healthy disagreements and conflicts can’t happen without healthy boundaries.

We need containers that help conversations be worth having. Boundaries don’t have to be rigid. But they should be clear enough to everyone involved.

For some of us, this can sound off-putting. Maybe we value autonomy and don’t want to be told what to do.

Maybe we think that letting others say whatever is on their minds is kindness.

Or maybe we’re scared to speak up when someone is crossing what we see as a line. After all, it takes courage to hold a boundary for someone. For many of us, it can be easier to stay silent and let others behave poorly.

Not wanting to limit others, wanting to be kind to them, and wanting to avoid the discomfort of speaking up to maintain boundaries are all........

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