January is said to be the month when there is a spike in divorce petitions. Couples that held it together for another year finally crack over the festive period, stop pretending, and head for the divorce courts. Newspapers report it with glee, although there is also some debate over whether the evidence really backs it up.

If you’ve been married a while, or in a long-term relationship, the thought of quitting might well have crossed your mind too. A large-scale survey reveals that more than half of married people tell pollsters that they’ve thought about divorce. Those thoughts don't always take the form of a dramatic exit plan; perhaps it’s more of a nagging question: Is this relationship still worth the effort? Why doesn't it feel like it did in the beginning? Does it have to be so hard? Before you go down that road or get lost in a thought-spiral, it’s worth asking another set of questions: Are you doing enough? Are you a pleasure to live with? Are you actually loving the one you’re with?

Divorce isn’t typically about sudden clarity. Most people, whether they file for divorce at the start of the new year or any other time, aren’t reacting to a single event. They’re usually responding to years of accumulated disappointment — a sense that the relationship hasn’t delivered what it promised.

Of course there are affairs and infidelities, but relationships generally don't end because someone suddenly turned into a villain. What shows up in therapy is something far more ordinary: People stop being kind, thoughtful, and considerate to each........

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