Why Relationships Matter

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Modern relationship advice tells us to express our feelings, communicate more, and process emotions together.

Couples often arrive in therapy convinced that their main problem is a lack of communication.

The skill of self-regulation is not the same as emotional avoidance.

Many relationship experts assume that emotional disconnection sits at the heart of relationship distress. Their remedy is to turn towards each other, to reach for your partner when you’re upset or disappointed and share what’s on your mind.

It’s a modern article of faith that we should talk about our feelings and share our vulnerability. If you’re angry, say so. If you’re anxious, let your partner know. Many couples come to therapy convinced that more openness and more emotional honesty is the answer.

But what if that’s wrong and we’ve got it backwards?

Not every feeling needs an audience

Previous generations often expected relatively little emotionally from marriage. Well into the twentieth century, many marriages were emotionally restrained. Men, in particular, were expected to be guarded and emotionally reserved. Openness about feelings was uncommon and often discouraged.

A correction was overdue.

But we’ve swung too far. Now, every anxiety gets outsourced; every frustration becomes a relationship conversation. Every uncomfortable feeling is treated as something that should immediately be shared and pored over together.

If the old mistake was emotional repression, the new mistake is emotional incontinence. We have become uncomfortable with the idea that adults should be able to manage a decent chunk of their emotional lives on their own.

Self-regulation should........

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