One of the most confusing aspects of conflict in intimate relationships is how quickly a misunderstanding can escalate into something dramatic and feel like an attack. A sigh feels like dismissal. Silence feels like rejection. The intensity of a door closing feels like an invitation into combat. Couples often say some version of the same thing: “I know they didn’t mean it that way, but it felt awful.”

That gap—between intention and impact—is where most relational pain lives.

In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve learned that partners don’t take each other’s behavior at face value. They make meaning out of the behavior. And meaning is shaped not just by the present moment but by a lifetime of emotional learning about the ups (happy and intimate) and downs (dismissal, sadness, upset, and abandonment) of relationships. This is why your partner’s reaction can feel so deeply personal (“He/she/they did it to hurt me!”), even when it isn’t meant to be.

Consider a simple moment: One partner goes quiet during a disagreement. On the surface, this is just behavior—less talking, fewer words. But the other partner rarely experiences it that way. Silence quickly fills with interpretation.

For one person, being quiet might mean, “You don’t care.” For another, intensity might mean, “I’m failing.”

These interpretations happen fast, often beneath conscious awareness. As Harry Stack Sullivan (1953) observed, we don’t simply respond to one another’s actions—we respond to what those actions come to represent in the interpersonal field. Meaning is subjective and projected onto the present relationship. It is instantaneous and often unconscious. Once meaning enters the picture, emotion follows.

Lena and Rob came to therapy after years of........

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