The Challenges of Divorce

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Envisioning post-divorce life leads to better decisions and less conflict during divorce.

Success in divorce is unique; it depends on individual goals and visions for the future.

Self-compassion, not just optimism, predicts better emotional recovery after divorce.

In my practice as a divorce attorney, the first meeting with a new client almost always centers on the past: what went wrong, who said what, how long the marriage has been struggling. That is natural. But the most important question I ask in that first meeting is about the future: When your divorce is final, what do you want your life to look like?

Many clients have no answer. Some have never even allowed themselves to consider the question. Yet, the answer shapes nearly every decision that follows. Clients who can answer it tend to move through the process with more clarity and less conflict and have fewer regrets.

It’s extremely difficult to develop a successful strategy for the divorce process if you don’t know where you want to be at the end of the process. Success looks different depending upon the individual. For some, success is getting as big a share of the marital assets or as much support as possible. For others, it may be preserving the parenting relationship with the other parent. Success is surely not a one-size-fits-all proposition.

Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences a person can face. On the widely cited Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale, divorce ranks second only to the death of a spouse among major life events. And marital separation ranks third. Divorce rarely involves a single change. It often represents fundamental changes at the core of a person’s life. And they can all happen at once: a new........

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