Find a therapist to help with autism

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Recently, one of my colleagues asked me if I'd ever watched the popular television show, "Love on the Spectrum." The acclaimed series documents young adults with autism as they navigate dating and relationships. I told her I wasn't interested and, honestly, was hesitant to watch the show. I imagine it's the same as an FBI agent watching "The Night Agent" or a doctor watching "The Pitt." You immerse yourself in something all day long, so it's not a show you watch for leisure purposes. As an expert in a space, you can also expect to nitpick, overanalyze, and likely find fault with the details—it's only natural! After a bit more of my colleague gently nudging me, I finally caved and spent two weeks binge-watching all four seasons. As expected, I have many opinions.

First, I believe that everyone has the right to friendship, companionship, and love—and this includes people with disabilities across the autism spectrum and other intellectual/developmental disability (I/DD) conditions. However, not everyone needs to get married, nor does everyone need to be intimate. Anyone who wants a friend, companion, or spouse should have one, but the concept of love is nuanced depending on the person.

As I began watching the series from season one, most of the young adults with autism (I’ll call them “cast members” from here on) didn't understand the concept of dating. Now remember, these are people who thrive on the familiar; they crave routine and structure. Dating is completely new to them, and they need to develop the necessary skills over time. They can't be expected to adapt to some form of a quick "dating masterclass," and this is what I observed. At my organization, we have group dating classes that teach people with a range of I/DD conditions how to socialize. They learn about friendship, dating, and related topics based on their level of knowledge. We also offer extensive individual counseling and even chaperoned dates, sitting back to give our clients autonomy while still being able to check in and support them in real time. As clients continue to develop romantic relationships, we even provide couples therapy. This work is so important for any couple—marriage isn’t easy, especially for a couple who have special needs. The more they can prepare and support, the better outcomes in the relationship.

During my binge session, the seasons progressed, the trends unfolded, and I discovered several important areas where the show should take a closer look as they start planning upcoming seasons:

Understanding Long-Term Commitment: One of the initial trends that was off-putting to me was when a cast member would exclaim, "I love you" or started planning a wedding on the first or second date. This level of commitment should be addressed before dating begins. I wish a professional counselor stepped in and spent more time with each cast member to set boundaries, teach them when to use the word "love,” and let them know that dating is a journey, not a race.

Setting Physical and Emotional Boundaries: Professionals need to assess and set boundaries for people with autism to ensure consent for sexual relationships and prevent exploitation. They need to understand the implications of sexual relationships. If they’re both able to consent to kissing, touching, and intimacy, then it isn't an issue, but if only one can, it can constitute abuse. I wish this had been explored more on the show, especially as certain cast member couples displayed different conditions.

Taking Safety Precautions: I noticed that no one—not the parents, caregivers, or dating coach—took the time to teach the difference between a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, and a significant other. I was shocked that dates happened without cast members knowing the other person's name or basic information, and that some went on dates with random strangers who reached out on social media—this is very dangerous! I do understand that these situations were safe and on camera, but it's not setting a good standard for what should be considered acceptable or typical among people with autism. Internet safety is necessary for everyone, especially for neurodiverse people.

Allowing Healthy Intervention: Dating is hard for neurotypical people, so I kept wondering why the show left so many cast members alone in tough or challenging moments, and seemingly without a safety net. On an earlier season, one person had a meltdown during a speed-dating activity, specifically for people with disabilities, and there was not adequate support from staff. Often, I also watched a handful of cast members not let their date get a word in! On another season, a couple went house shopping, and no one was there to assist. I would like to see more guardrails and education; maybe even some light conversational "intervention" on a date or in a group environment. Again, this is where a chaperone or other on-the-date support can be helpful. It’s OK to step in and help, guide, and shift a situation that might be uncomfortable.

I believe "Love on the Spectrum" is an attempt to show inclusion and the idea that every person deserves love. Again, love is nuanced depending on the person. However, the dating coach alone was not enough preparation for the cast members to learn what to do in a new and very anxiety-provoking situation. There should be "on-the-date assistance," the same way there is on-the-job coaching. Most people with autism need preparation and support. In many cases, these young adults were thrown into unfamiliar situations, and it wasn't a recipe for success. I know some people believe it's all a learning experience, but I feel otherwise—a lack of preparation contributed to their stress.

My advice to any parent who has an adult child with autism looking for love: It takes time. Support your child by bringing in a professional counselor, and when they're ready to date, serve as a support system. What you see on TV isn't reality. Romantic relationships for people with autism must be treated with even more patience and care, so that everyone feels safe, informed, and protected.

Find a therapist to help with autism

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