Why Relationships Matter

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Research shows contempt is the biggest predictor for divorce.

Developing a climate of appreciation can offset the corrosive effects of contempt.

Seeing one's partner doing well in a role outside the relationship can enhance appreciation and admiration.

You may be familiar with the motto, “Familiarity breeds contempt." But what does contempt look like in a couple's relationship?

It’s not simply criticism, which is corrosive in and of itself. Contempt involves treating others with disrespect, ridicule, mocking them with sarcasm, calling them names, and eye-rolling. While criticism may attack a partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: “I am superior. You are inferior, dumb, unimportant.” The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

Contempt's Poisonous Effects

Research shows that partners who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to get infectious illnesses, such as the common cold or the flu, due to weakened immune systems. That is to say, contempt can make you sick.

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. And, as researcher John Gottman found in his studies of couples, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

If contempt poisons relationships, what’s the antidote?

Develop a Culture of Appreciation in Your Relationship

Instead of criticizing or insulting your partner, which constitutes a form of abuse, you can remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions and characteristics. Instead of taking pot shots at your partner, you can take it upon yourself to remember the things your partner is good at. Note: Because contempt is destructive and defeating, if you are good at that, then you are very bad at relationships.

Building a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship fosters a climate in which relationships can flourish. One way to do this is to regularly express gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner. This creates a positive perspective that acts as a buffer for negative feelings.

In her book, Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel holds that in long-term relationships, desire demands space and differentiation. Gazing at our partners while they engage in roles other than being our partner helps us view (and remember) them as separate, highly competent individuals. This provides us an opportunity to rekindle an element of admiration, or perhaps even “mystery,” refueling eros longing and interrupting some of the over-familiarity that can “breed contempt.”

Seeing one's partner carry themselves with confidence and aplomb in contexts outside of the relationship can stir feelings of admiration, even longing. Ideally, our partners would have opportunities to see us in other contexts and would also have the chance to refuel their sense of appreciation and spark desire, in reciprocal fashion.

In sum, appreciation forms an aspirational climate that invites and requires our action as partners. It may be a noun, but it calls us to meaningful, reciprocal action that provides the antidote to poisonous contempt.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon Shuster.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. Harper.

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