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Childhood trauma can resurface during parenting, especially during moments of stress or conflict.

Parents may overcompensate to protect children from pain they experienced growing up.

Awareness of personal triggers can help parents respond more intentionally and break trauma cycles.

Kalani had always dreamed of being a mother. But once she had children, her own childhood trauma made parenting far harder than she ever expected. Kalani grew up in an abusive household where her emotional needs were neglected, and her parents often used harsh physical discipline. When she came forward about being sexually assaulted, she was blamed by her parents for shaming the family.

When Kalani became a mother, she was determined to provide her children with the love and stability she never had in her own family. However, she quickly found herself overwhelmed. Small conflicts—like tantrums or sibling arguments—triggered intense anxiety. Without meaning to, Kalani would either raise her voice or shut down completely. Kalani felt guilty for not handling these moments the way she had hoped, constantly fearing that she would repeat the patterns of neglect and emotional abuse from her own upbringing.

On top of that, her past trauma made it difficult for her to set boundaries. She found herself sacrificing her own needs for the sake of her children’s comfort, feeling as if she didn’t give them everything they wanted, she would be failing them, just like her parents had failed her. Kalani often felt like she was walking a tightrope—trying to be a good mother while also trying to be a healthy parenting example. Her husband felt that her behavior of being too lenient with her children was causing them stress. “I always have to be the bad guy,” he said during their first session. “She gives them whatever they want, and then when I try to give rules, it causes conflict for all of us. This isn’t sustainable,” he said.

Repeating the Cycle as Parents

When we do not grow up with healthy examples in familial relationships, many of us struggle with how to create these bonds and relationships in healthy ways. Kalani offers an example of how deeply rooted these internalized rules can be, especially when we step into roles that mirror the very ones we struggled with in childhood. Like Kalani, who wanted to protect her children the way she was not protected, many survivors end up overcompensating by being overprotective or overattentive. This pattern often emerges from unresolved trauma: Parents are so determined to shield their children from the pain they endured that they try to anticipate and prevent every possible harm.

And here is one way you can see how the cycle of trauma repeats: Parents like Kalani often carry a deep determination to give their children a better life than the one they experienced. Yet without opportunities to process their own wounds, those past experiences can shape their parenting.

For many survivors I support, these reactions can feel confusing and can even provoke a sense of shame. They may wonder why seemingly small moments, like a child’s tantrum or a hint of defiance, trigger such strong emotional responses from them. “Why do I act this way?” they ask, feeling defeated that age-appropriate behavior could bring about such intense reactions. This is because in many cases, these reactions are not just about the present moment but are connected to unresolved experiences from the past.

The good news is that awareness is often the first step toward change. When survivors begin to understand how their own histories influence their reactions, they can start to respond more intentionally, which helps to create space for both their children’s growth and their own healing.

Take our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Test

Find a therapist to heal from trauma.

Sadoughi M. (2024). Overparenting and adolescent's trait anxiety: Unraveling the roles of basic psychological needs frustration and emotion dysregulation. Acta Psychol (Amst). 251:104579.

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