Constant pressure to “do it all” creates chronic stress and emotional overwhelm.

The drive to over-function is linked to increased stress and negative physical health outcomes.

Modern motherhood often requires one person to fulfill roles that historically belonged to a “village.”

Social media, workplace demands, and post-COVID expectations reinforce an unattainable standard.

I am a mom to young children, a fact social media seems well aware of. My feed is a constant flood of ways to structure my child’s wake windows, cook whole-food meals for my picky toddler, and get back in shape post-baby—all while working a full-time job and curating my toddler’s bespoke wooden toy collection. Optimization culture is trashing our mental health, and we need to resist it at all costs.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

If it were just social media, it would be much easier to swear off, but it is not; it is like the air we breathe. It comes from our employers, our family, and horrible people with podcast equipment—this overwhelming feeling of needing to optimize, to always be doing more. Some of us do very well at this; clients I work with identify themselves as perfectionists. In its most severe form, it is obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Many of my clients fit the diagnostic criteria and suffer as a result; others are “over-functioners” fueled by an overwhelming need to please (and probably a gallon of coffee). These women do it all. For those of you who have been forced to watch Bluey by your toddler, it is like a never-ending game of “keepy uppy.” The balloon must always remain in the air, no matter what, and at any cost.

And the costs are quite high. Research has shown that individuals high in perfectionism are at increased risk for negative health outcomes, including chronic illness and pain conditions, largely due to heightened stress responses (Molnar and colleagues, 2018; Sirois and Molnar, 2012). This is because the game of “keepy uppy” is flooding your brain with stress hormones, keeping you on alert all the time (Molnar and colleagues, 2018). Your body is on high alert; it is no wonder it would eventually start to attack itself.

Even if you can do it all, that does not mean you should. And if you do, there is likely a price to pay.

And if you can’t, it is probably because the game is rigged.

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, there has been a notable increase in ADHD diagnoses, particularly among young adults and women of childbearing age (Auro and colleagues, 2024). I would argue that there are several factors here, one of which is the shift in expectations that came following the pandemic. Women were expected to work while being a teacher, full-time mom, maid, and activity director—24/7. When restrictions lifted, what was left behind was a set of unrealistic expectations and a rapidly growing group of influencers and advertisers with a built-in pain point—everyone else can do it all, why can’t you? Maybe you need a new planner, a new journal, or a new organization system, and if that doesn't work, maybe your brain doesn’t work right. I am not saying that women have not been underdiagnosed with ADHD historically, nor am I saying that women on these medications are misdiagnosed; I am just saying the game is rigged.

I have so many clients who struggle because they are “type B” parents and want to have the structured, clean, and tantrum-free lives they see on the internet. They see this as a personal failing, but I don't. Motherhood was never meant to be a single person (usually the mother) playing all of the roles. Throughout history, we had a village, and now women are expected to do this essentially alone, with the help of a tribe of internet “mamas” letting you know that screen time is rotting your child’s brain and that if your snacks have sugar, then you have failed as a mother.

How Do We Resist Optimization?

Manage expectations and understand where they come from: One of my favorite techniques in session is to ask, “Where did you get that?” When a client says, “If I am not making the most of my mornings, then my day is a waste.” I ask, "Where did you get that? The internet? Your mother-in-law? You in your 20s before you had kids?" Resisting optimization culture means understanding expectations and uncovering the messaging that drives them.

Zoom out and focus on values: Value clarification work is like a roadmap to a life well-lived, and without that map, it can be really easy to get off course. Take some time to think about the values that are actually important to you. You are not going to be able to do it all. What actually matters? For our family, time outside and dinner at the table are important for our values of connection to the natural world and connection to each other. These are the things we prioritize.

This time is short: This statement can bring up a lot of guilt, but I say this to set you free. If you have young babies, your entire identity has shifted, and you might be trying to claw back some sense of yourself. We optimize. We feel we have to use time well and not waste these precious moments. I would argue that presence is more important than productivity. Focus on the overall feeling rather than the goals to be accomplished. At the end of a weekend, your house may be a mess, and you may be ordering pizza, but how do you feel? Were you able to show up for yourself? For your kids? That is what matters.

Overall, we need to shift how we see early motherhood. Some basic mantras to remember—be intentional, not optimized; focus on presence over productivity; how you feel is more important than how things look

Molnar, D. S., Sirois, F. M., Flett, G. L., Janssen, W. F., & Hewitt, P. L. (2018). Perfectionism and health: The roles of health behaviors and stress-related processes. In J. Stoeber (Ed.), The psychology of perfectionism: Theory, research, applications(pp. 200–221). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Molnar, D. S., et al. (2012). Perfectionism and health: A mediational analysis of the roles of stress, social support, and health-related behaviors. Psychology & Health, 27(7), 846–864.

Auro, K., Holopainen, et al. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder diagnoses in Finland during the COVID-19 pandemic. JAMA Network Open, 7(6), e2418204.

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