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Some people already have too much self-control. The issue for them is overcontrol

Standard therapy often doesn't work for overcontrolled clients. It addresses too little control, not too much.

Radically Open DBT (RO DBT) can help people who are overcontrolled.

You showed up. You did the homework. You tried to be honest. But the depression is still there. The anxiety is still there. The loneliness is still there.

If therapy hasn’t helped, you might be asking: Is something wrong with me? Am I too hard to help? But here’s a different question worth asking: What if the type of therapy you tried wasn’t the right fit for how your brain works?

Not All Therapy Works the Same Way for Everyone

Most therapy is built on one idea: People struggle because they can’t manage their emotions. They act on impulse. They need more coping tools and better self-control. For many people, that’s exactly right.

But for others, it’s the opposite problem.

There is a group of people who already have too much control. They don’t act impulsively. They follow the rules. They hold everything together, at least on the outside. Inside, it’s a different story. They feel empty or deeply lonely. They deal with depression that won’t lift. They have rigid routines they can’t let go of, or a sense that something is missing, even when life looks fine from the outside.

Telling these people to “try harder” or “regulate better” doesn’t help. They’re already doing all of that.

What Is Overcontrol? Could It Describe You?

This pattern is called overcontrol. It’s shaped by your nervous system, your past, and how you learned to cope. Dr. Thomas Lynch spent over 20 years studying people who don’t respond well to standard therapy. He found that overcontrolled people are common among those with:

Chronic, treatment-resistant depression

Anxiety that doesn’t improve with CBT

Anorexia nervosa or other restrictive eating patterns

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

A pattern of feeling like an outsider, even around people they love

Signs of overcontrol include: holding your feelings in, having very high personal standards, following routines in a very specific way, rarely celebrating, feeling lonely even around people who care about you, and being described by others as “closed off” or hard to read.

These are not character flaws. Discipline and high standards are real strengths. The problem comes when they become so rigid that they block connection, joy, and the ability to accept feedback from others.

Why Standard Therapy Often Misses the Mark

Standard therapy builds coping skills and helps people manage emotions. These are powerful tools, but they’re designed for people with too little control, not too much.

When an overcontrolled person tries this kind of therapy, something awkward happens. The therapist focuses on building skills the client already has. The client can already tolerate stress; in fact, they tolerate it by suppressing it completely. They’re already goal-driven and rule-following. More structure doesn’t help.

Overcontrolled clients are also very good at appearing engaged without letting therapy actually reach them. They do the homework. They give the right answers. They’re cooperative. And yet nothing changes, because the real issue was never touched.

The real issue is connection. Overcontrolled people have learned to protect themselves by keeping others at a distance. Deep down, they don’t feel safe opening up. It’s not a thinking problem or an emotion problem. It’s a connection problem.

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Finding Therapy That Fits: RO DBT

Radically Open DBT (RO DBT) was created for people with overcontrol. The goal is not more coping skills but a genuine connection.

RO DBT teaches you to:

Understand why your brain developed an overcontrolled style — and why it made sense at the time

Notice the subtle ways you hide or suppress your emotions

Practice social signals that let others know you’re open and approachable

Loosen rigid rules and perfectionist standards that keep you isolated

Build real intimacy, not just the appearance of connection

The skills are about loosening the armor you’ve worn for a long time and discovering that real connection with others is possible, and that it heals.

How to Find the Right Therapist

If this sounds like you, here are some steps to take:

Talk to your current therapist about whether the approach is the right fit for you.

Ask specifically about RO DBT and whether there are trained therapists in your area.

Look for a therapist with experience in overcontrol, treatment-resistant depression, or RO DBT.

Be honest with yourself about whether you’ve been going through the motions without letting therapy really reach you. That honesty is already a form of openness.

You are not too hard to help. You are not broken. You may simply need a different type of therapy — one that actually fits.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Lynch, T. R. (2018). Radically open dialectical behavior therapy: Theory and practice for treating disorders of overcontrol. New Harbinger.

Hall, K. D., Astrachan-Fletcher, E., Simic, M., & Lynch, T. R. (2022). The radically open DBT workbook for eating disorders. New Harbinger.

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