Healthy humor can soften shame and help us hold our imperfections with greater kindness.

Humor can deepen connection when it creates ease rather than distance or defensiveness.

Sarcasm often wounds, while playful humor can foster trust, repair, and connection.

Learning to smile at our humanity can reduce self-criticism and increase resilience.

Growing up in New York, I understand how humor can be hurtful. Sarcastic barbs that diminish a person are not humorous at all. Yet, held lightly, humor can soften painful edges, ease defensiveness, and bring a welcome spaciousness around life’s challenges.

The humor I’m referencing isn't about telling jokes in defensiveness—a strategy to deflect others’ displeasure with us. And it’s certainly not about disparaging anyone. It’s about bringing lightness into situations so we can hold them a little more gently. Well-placed humor can soften shame, reduce defensiveness, and help us stay connected to ourselves and others.

Healthy Humor Versus Defensive Humor

Sarcastic humor can wound. Our partner can’t find her keys, and we say: “You’d lose your head if it weren’t attached to your shoulders.” We’re late for a dinner date, and our partner is upset, and we respond: ‘It’s interesting how you don’t like it when I’m late, but you’re the one who’s slow getting out of the house when we want to go somewhere.” Such sarcasm can rupture........

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