Why Relationships Matter

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Good communication begins with becoming aware of what we're actually feeling inside.

Pausing helps us move beyond knee-jerk reactions and connect with more vulnerable feelings.

Sharing vulnerable feelings rather than blame can reduce defensiveness and deepen connection.

As a psychotherapist for four decades, I’ve participated in my fair share of communication skills trainings—and I’ve learned a great deal from them. But I’ve noticed something vital that is often missing.

Many couples have entered my office wanting to improve their communication. I find that admirable. Communication—both verbal and non-verbal—is a bridge between two worlds, and the messages we send, whether intentional or not, can either connect us or distance us from each other.

Communication experts often emphasize the importance of using “I” statements. This means the emphasis is on what I am experiencing inside, versus the all-too-common “you” statements, which keep the focus on what the other person is doing wrong or how they can improve to meet our needs.

“You” statements often elicit defensiveness. For some odd reason (humor intended), people don’t like being told what we think is wrong with them. Such comments may elicit responses, whether verbalized or not, of:

Don’t criticize or judge me.

Don’t try to fix or change me.

Don’t tell me what to do.

“You” statements often trigger........

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