What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

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You have the power to change your hurt feelings.

Some family relationships require that you set a boundary.

Change starts when you accept that you are the catalyst.

Cognitive behavioral strategies are helpful in changing your outlook.

In my younger years, a clinical supervisor provided insight on emotional attachments that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since: We let go of toxic habits and unhealthy relationships when the cost to hold on exceeds the anguish of letting go. The pain we experience from remaining connected to people who hurt us can be greater than the discomfort of changing. Upon this realization, our minds shift from feeling powerless to control negative emotions to encouraging physical or emotional habits that feel good. Change happens when it is just too painful to keep hoping that improvements will germinate from others.

In her book, The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins encourages a similar point of view: When we accept the world as it is, we are free to concentrate on our happiness. Robbins invites us to let people do or say what they want, and then to control our feelings of frustration if we become triggered. Change happens through lessening daily focus on upsetting relationships. Continuing to focus on unhealthy relationships becomes our own action that leads to self-harm. The people who hurt us are the stimulus for painful feelings, but we become the continued re-enactment of the pain-making events through our focus. We hurt ourselves when we allow harmful relationships to dominate our thinking. Shifting thoughts may increase with basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques.

Accepting behavior that is antagonistic, dishonest, or unkind harms our emotional bodies, which naturally feels painful. Developing a ledger to compare the pain versus the perceived gain of remaining attached becomes foundational to determining the cost of an involvement. Perhaps, after contemplation, we accept that we control whether we stay committed to a harmful person or we remove our attachment. We choose our interpersonal relationships; we have the right to remove attachments to people in our lives who demonstrate that they cannot take care of us. This pivot can be especially difficult when the harmful person is a relative. I can attest to the struggle people encounter when they arrive at this realization in my therapy practice. Often there is a way to navigate a way to stay involved with a close relative without remaining exposed to the pain of hurtful comments. CBT encourages us to let go of trying to control the speech and decision-making of others and to set our own boundaries for what we will accept or reject: “You can have your opinion, but I won’t let it change my belief in myself.” “What you said crossed a line with me, and I can’t keep relating to you.”

We are all free to think whatever thoughts we choose. We are free to focus on what brings happiness rather than the hurt that results from conversations, texts, or harsh emails. CBT invites us to pay attention to our emotional triggers, to link them to the thoughts we hold, and then respond by establishing boundaries: “I love you, but I cannot remain engaged in a dialogue that doesn’t appreciate my side in the conversation.” “I’m sorry we don’t agree about this topic, but I am not interested in trying to change your mind.”

Our thoughts directly impact our feelings, which then influence our choice to react. When we determine that someone brings more hurt than health to our emotional bodies, then it is incumbent upon us to back off. This may look like withholding a text response or a flash-angered phone call:“Your feedback really hurt, and I need time to heal. I will reach out when I am ready.” “ I accept that I cannot change your mind, and I let go of the pursuit.”

If you are waiting for others who are incapable of seeing your worth to treat you with respect and dignity, then you are causing yourself pain. You are hurting yourself when you dwell upon the harm. CBT encourages an acknowledgment that feelings can be painful, and the theory invites us to take a deep breath to slow down our reactivity. In this moment, we can call a friend who loves us, and then focus our thoughts on a positive thought for a better future. We can focus on our goodness and inalienable right to be treated with respect in the pursuit of healthy relationships. Loosening a grip on a harmful relationship is within our power and is accomplished when we accept our part in the interaction. In this case, we can change outcomes by remaining focused on our own value or the goodness in every human life. This is an idea worth sharing.

What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Take our Your Mental Health Today Test

Find a therapist who practices CBT

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