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Attention-seeking behavior is almost always a bid for connection.

Giving children choice over how a task happens often resolves resistance without removing the boundary.

Children who tantrum or defy are often longing to be taken seriously, and escalate less when they are.

When both people's needs are visible, conflicts stop being about who wins and start being about what works.

This is Part 3 in a series.

In the first post in this series, I discussed the fact that what parents call needs are almost always strategies, one specific way of hoping a real need will get met. In the second post, I walked through seven common examples of parents' "needs” and the real needs they’re pointing to. When you can name the real need underneath, more solutions become available.

The same reframe works in the other direction. What parents dismiss as children's "wants" are almost always needs too, which children are expressing the only way they know how.

The behavior is the communication. Here are seven of the most common examples.

1. "They just want attention."

Behavior: Stalling at bedtime, clinging at school drop-off, following you from room to room

Underlying need: Connection, belonging, or being understood

One thing to try: Build a short one-on-one time routine earlier in the day, even one that lasts just 10 minutes, where your child leads the play, and your phone is away. A child whose longing for belonging is being met regularly is less likely to try to squeeze it out of every bedtime moment.

2. "They want to make everything difficult."

Behavior: Hitting, screaming, refusing to get dressed, melting down over small things

Underlying need:........

© Psychology Today